In the eigth grade I read a book called "Speak" about rape. The next year I was raped. This will be my first time speaking out to others who know what I have gone through. I was a freshmen and a JV cheerleader. He was our starting quarter-back on our Varsity football team... He was all of 6'4", 18 years old, and very strong. I fell head-over-heels for this guy. Towards the end of the season, he injured himself in a game and was out for a couple of games on crutches. He told my friend and I to mett him and his friends at a football game of a rival team that night and we did. He had pain meds and I had never taken anything like that but somehow he got me to take them. I felt so great just laughing and having fun until we got to his friends house. We all went into the room and sat down. My friend disappeared with his friend behind a wall in the room. He started to kiss me and I was cool with that until the next thing I knew, he awas ont op of me. He started to unbutton my pants and I started to push him off and tell him "NO" he told me to "relax" and I continued to tell him to stop. He started to rape me and I paniced. I started to pretend to hyperventilate and he finally stopped. I told him to take me home and he said no that he wanted to lay with me. He has scratches all over his back and red marks on his chest where my hands ended up pinned between both of our chests. I told him to take me or I'd walk so he took me to a friends house where she was already asleep but knew something was wrong and let me in. Him and I continued to be friends but he got more and more physical with me pulling my hair when I wouldn't listen to him. I eventaully cut it off after more drama and to this day when I see him he harasses me telling me things like "I hope you die slow b****". And I believe I have develpoed PTSD. Sonce the rape I can't have sex without becoming really upset or feeling guilty. My fiance and I can't even have intercourse because I start to cry. I just get a terrible feeling and I can't help it. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm not the same person and sometimes I fell like I"m two completely different people. For a while I turned to drinking. And when I would drink I would becom very promiscuous but very violent at the same time. I don't feel as if I'm ready to see a psychologist yet but for the time being is there any way I can cope??
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