Last weekend, I was getting ready to hang out with my friends. I live in the dorms on campus, and some of my friends are under 21, so they can't be in the room with alcohol. So I was drinking alone. I had gotten in a fight with a hallmate earlier and was going to be spending some time with a guy that I liked, so I decided to have a drink to calm my nerves a little. A little turned into a lot and we ended up having a small party in my room. The guy I liked ended up not showing up, so I decided to roam the halls and see what my other friends were doing. This is where things get vague, because I seemed to have blacked out to some extent. I guess in the end, I ended up with a friend of mine in my room. My other friends saw him come in with me. Then they started to hear noises as though we were having sex. One even came in and saw us. They did not realize that I was very drunk. I guess I was found in the bathroom crying with only some of my clothes on. I stumbled down to find my best friend, because I was not sure what had happened. When I was told; I became hysterical. I guess I was screaming, crying and punching things. My friends took me up to their room because I guess I didn't want to go to my own room again. I woke up the next day to a room full of my friends who were worried about me. They started to recap the nights events and I was so upset I didn't know what to do. I can't believe a guy that I trusted could do something like this. We had spent many nights talking about things and people who had hurt us in the past. He really opened up and told me things that he had never told anyone else. I thought he would be a really good friend to me. During the night, he ran into my best friend and was telling her I was really mad at him. When she asked what he did, he said "nothing". When she asked him what happened, he said "Honey, you'll never know what happened" and turned to his friend, whom she was with, and said "I'll tell you later". That's the point that I really felt taken advantage of. I don't know what to do. I have never felt so hurt and betrayed before. I also am at war with myself as to what to do now. I spoke with many people who convinced me to make a report and to go to the hospital and get checked out. The police wanted my clothes and the sheets, so I gave them those as well. I feel so ashamed and angry with myself for letting myself fall into a trap like this. I thought my friends and I had devised a pretty good plan to keep things like this from happening, but I guess not. Part of me wants justice for what happened, but the other part feels guilty. Maybe I started things, maybe I wanted it. I just don't know. I know that had I been sober, I never would've wanted it. I just don't know what to do or where to turn. I can't eat, I can't sleep. Part of me feels bad for him because he is a friend and I know that he's had it rough, but the other part feels that he never should've touched me, knowing I was drunk. I hate myself for what I've done. I've never drank to the point of blacking out. I felt that I was a pretty street wise girl until now. I wish I could remember, I wish there was something to make the pain go away. I just don't know what to do. I feel guilty and ashamed for pressing charges because I can't remember what happened, though I have plenty of friends who do know. Many think that he's done this sort of thing before. I just don't know...
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