I dated my ex b/f for 9 months and it was 9 months of eternal hell. The guy was with a friend of mind at the time however he was wanting to date me so we started dating. He however was not the dating type according to ppl he was the famous "thug type" you know the type that doesn't give a damn about anyone or anything and the limtation of respect for women couldn't get much lower unless it was hell. The friend tried to warn me about dating him claiming he was abusive, but I did not heed nor believe her warning. I went on to date him for 9 months it was another episode after another. After being with him for so long I pretty much learned my way around him about what to say what not to say, what I was able to wear and do and not to wear and do. You pretty much get the bases right there. I was practically raped every day. Unbeknowning to me it was actually rape. Every day for 9 months he wanted and have to have sex it did not matter how, where or how. He either took it or was reciving it out fear or free will. I was beaten for anything and everything punched and smack, cussed at and called names. The last straw was actual rape when it hit me it was rape. I'm screaming at the top of my lungs while ppl who were staying above us heard my cries, but simply ignore me and failed to come to my rescue. I was raped over a comment I made to him and was beaten. I left him numerous times before this, but sadly went back to him out of sheer fear and possible love. Yes, I said love more of a love/depsise relationship. He continously threatened my life as well as my families unbeknown to them. I was threated with a knife to my throat and a gun to my head at times when I did try to leave he would go as far as taking the light bulbs out so that I could not see. I can no longer cont. More or less you all get the idea of a tourmented memory in which I deal with. I see him occassionally and he speaks however I do not know what to say to this man this being. He works where I work and I thought he had quit or was fired well I saw him yesterday when I was there on overtime I froze, could not breathe and about passed out. I was frazzled the rest of the day I'm now walking around parnoid once again thinking I'm going crazy and nuts. I trust no one nor do I like going out by myself I'm extremely jumpy as well. It's been 4yrs. and I'm still dealing with this. Out of sight out mind works until you see them then what????? My mother knows however my father does not. My DH knows, but sister does not. How do you cope and deal with a memory that just want subside? I use to think that it was not my fault that I was at no fault after seeing him yesterday it put me in another prespective I began to believe it was my fault. What can I do?? How do I cope?? How do I stop the movie camera from playing within my mind??? Oh, one more thing there's the video tape. He video taped us having "sex" a few people from which I know have seen it however I do not know how many, nor do I know where it is today. To think there is a video running around with things such as that on it. I don't know what to think nor do.