So the reason I'm here, about me about my rapes... The first one, I was 15 a virgin, nieve and dumb and way too trusting. I was at a party, I was drinking and having a great time. I ended up hooking up with a guy there, and we went into a bedroom that was a revolving door for couples coming in having sex and leaving. We messed around for quite a while, I told him from the beginning I wouldn't sleep with him, he seemed fine with it, I had no reason to suspect otherwise. Eventually things went too far, once he took off my panties I knew I was in trouble, I tried to get them back, all I kept thinking was if I had my panties he couldn't have sex with me, it still didn't occur to me he would rape me. He pushed me down on the bed, I covered myself to try to keep him from putting it in but he grabbed my wrists and moved them out of the way. I couldn't believe it. I was taken by such surprise I didn't know what to do. I couldn't believe I couldn't get away, I couldn't believe this was happening. It was surreal. I did everything I was "suppossed" after that rape, I did the police thing, the rape kit thing, the couseling thing...I did it all "right" in hopes of not being damaged for life...I don't think I succedded. The next time was very different. It was a second "date" w/ my best friends husbands cousin. He was suppossed to be a great guy, everythig I was looking for. We began messing around, and then it happend so fast I didn't even see it coming all of a sudden he had both our pants off, I tried to run and he grabbed me from behind and pulled me on the bed, it was the wierdest thing, we were both on our backs, me on top and his penis inside of me. I didn't even know you could have sex in a position like that. I was squirming to get away, I felt like a turtle stuck on it's back. We didn't stay in that position long, he flipped us over now I was on my stomach and he was on top of me. I remember thinking I can't believe this is going to happen again, I always swore they'd have to kill me first, and here I was alive and going threw this again. It didn't last long, the phone rang and he let me go. I was in shock. I went to my church group straight after and then home. I decided it wasn't rape, he got carried away, but he didn't rape me. He called me later, I'm not sure if it was the next day or what. He asked if I was mad at him, I said for what, he said for what I did, I said no, I said I was at first, then he started telling me I asked for it. I got pissed and changed the subject. I invited him over. He brought me dinner, when he wanted to mess around I told him no way you can't seem to control your dick and you know I don't want to sleep with you. He promised to be good, and I wanted to prove to myself that I was right and he did't rape me. So we messed around, and it doesn't take a genius to figure out what happend next. I was very blunt during it, I said what the fuck is wrong with you, get the fuck off me (mind you I don't cus so I was shocked to hear those words come out of my mouth) He continued, he never said anything back, he just smiled and laughed. I fought and fought and eventually got away. I still denied it was what it was. I yelled at him, told him he better not stick it in again. Eventually we started messing around again, and honestly I don't remember if he stuck it in again or not, I do remeber we both reached orgasm threw cosentual heavy petting and oral sex. That helped me stay in my state of denial. He wasn't interested in dating me anymore after that. I never told anyone, made sure I didn't remember the date so there would be no anniversary, I never got any help...maybe that's why I'm so damaged. Years later I told my boyfriend (now my husband) the story, and asked his opinion, if I he thought I was right and it wasn't rape. He didn't agree...I am finally sort of coming to accept it, I guess maybe...
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