Recently while my fiance and I were having sex he did something that my rapist did...not anything hurtful or abnormal, just the position made me feel trapped. Had I not experienced what i did it would not have even registered, but it just was so horribly familiar that I felt like I was right back there. My fiance is NOTHING like my rapist, doesn't look like him, different build, different dispositions, everything...but at that moment I thought the man i love and plan to marry was my rapist. I pretty much froze and checked out of my body. I've experienced memories before during sex but never one that felt so real. Since then I have been depressed and totally uninterested in sex. I cringe every time he touches me and I don't know how to deal with it. I've never been as interested as him, but it didn't used to make my skin crawl each and every time. Now whenever we're intimate I am just detached and praying for it to end. I am so saddened by this because I truly do love him and I know that he would never hurt me intentionally, but I am so scared of getting married now and having to live the rest of my life this way...in constant anxiety that he'll initiate sex or just want to hold me. My regular therapist referred me to a EMDR specialist to deal with just the rape, but so far it doesn't seem to be helping. I know I need to talk with my fella about what is going on with me but I am so ashamed and fearful that he'll be disappointed somehow... He does know about my past...all of the abuse and rape...and is supportive, but I just want to hurry up and heal already so we can have a normal, healthy sex life. Has anyone else had to address this with a partner? Any suggestions about how to go about it without making him feel totally horrible that he triggered such a vivid flashback?
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