It's kind of like when someone close to you dies, it's horrible at first, but later on it's still bad, but not at the front of your mind. Then one day, for no particular reason, the memory comes back and you feel horrible about it again as if it just happened. Later on, it settles back down.

It's sort of an emotional flare-up, so to speak. Most likely, it will last a week or month, and then you will be comfortable being intimate with him again.

I recall similar situations with myself. For example, I was moving to my new house, and took my father's ashes with me. I didn't break down or anything. Then recently, I just happened to glance at them and began crying. I was CARRYING them the first time and never cried, but now I look at them and cry? Now, a week later, I can look at them and they don't sadden me.

So you see, sometimes memories or reactions to memories flare-up, sort of, and then calm back down.

Try to keep in mind that you won't react like this to him forever, that it's just temporary. It may happen again, though, but it will be temporary then as well. Keep that in mind and do your best to try and block out the past.

I'm here for you if you need to pm me at all.

Take care, and congrats on having an understanding husband. :) They are very rare these days.

I think that when we have the support network around us we can begin to deal with the past . The surer we are of the present the less frightening becomes the past and in turn this brings it to the front of our minds. I feel now on the road to recovery that it is because I love and know I am loved I am more able to face the truth. Myself? it has been inch by inch there are a few more inches to go but I am in a better place to acknowledge the depth of my hurting and this allows me to open my arms to the happy feelings that for so long had stayed hidden.

I don't really think there is such a thing as "normal". Everyone has their own little personality glitches. I too put off dealing with it, and boy am I paying for it now.

I know what you mean about having problems being close. As for me, my current boyfriend new of my situation before we dated (hell, he drove me to the psych hospital one time at 2am). I guess it's about surrounding yourself with people who will be patient, who know that even though you push them away they should keep trying, and getting away from people who don't get it or refuse to try.

I guess the only thing you can do is tell your husband how you feel and take it slowly. That's my opinion anyways.

I have been married 33 years and never associated my husband with the rapists. There have been times I have not wanted to be intimate and I have throught well I'll be there for him but this is not something I want to do! I never analyzed it to see if it was because of my past. The next time I would be okay. I think that is normal for us as women. I have never had fear of my husband! I pray things will get better for you! God bless!