Please don't feel ashamed. That is, for many people, a coping mechanism. Not a healthy one, but they still use it to relieve the pain, if only for a moment. Its easier said than done, but you have to fight off that terrible aching feeling. I am weak, I sometimes cannot resist & cut b/c I feel as if I'm going to suffocate in my problems. The best advice I suppose I could give you & hope you follow is simply to talk it out, whether it be someone here, on DS or someone you know & trust. Just anyone you can confide in. Writing for most everyone is the best coping mechanism b/c it allows them to express themselves in a healthy way. They just let it all out. Crying makes me feel weak & vulnerable but deep down I know that is not true & crying is better than cutting b/c I don't have more guilt added to my plate after looking at the scars. They are simply dried up tears.

Sorry if I don't make any sense or am a little (or alot) unclear, but I just hope you talk to someone when you feel that nasty urge to cut.

Please take care of yourself.

Veronica

I don't know if this will help, and it's not a substitute for talking or counselling, but if I'm feeling really bad it often helps to wear myself out physically by going running or taking a long walk (the more mud the better :) - something hard enough to give me aching muscles and a good night's sleep afterwards.
You don't have to feel ashamed - I know this is easy to say but harder to accept.

I don't know if this will substitute for cutting because I have only had the hurge once and I didn't follow through. Sometimes when I feel like I am going implode and I can't cope anymore I have used sledge hammer therapy. You need one sledge hammer, wood and, space to swing without hurting yourself or anyone/thing else. Another way to beat the pain out is to take a cast iron skillet to a pillow. You can beat on it until the cows come home or you get 'it' all out of you. I have found beating on something a good way to get out my pain.

I have heard something about wearing a rubberband on your wrist and snapping it instead of cutting. Maybe you should check that out.

I understand. I used to be a cutter. I haven't cut myself for 4 years. Even though I was raped 6 months ago I still haven't cut myself. (okay the pat on my back is done) :) I had to realize that self destruction was not the answer to feeling better it only made me feel worse. I was so numb and I didn't understand pain...I could only understand blood, scars and my body's PHYSICAL healing mechanism. I would do anything I could to destroy myself. But was it me that I was really angry with? I learned the answer was NO. Where you are right now you are probably saying YES IT IS! But you aren't angry at you!! Its just easier and more convenient to blame yourself than to have to blame the true antagonist. For me is was easier to carry the blame than to have to admit that I was completely helpless to stop him. When I started focusing my feelings on where they truly lied I was able to face my fears head on instead of hiding them in my gashes. (That's a line from one of my poems) You aren't to blame and its not your fault. It takes lots of courage to stop cutting but you obviously have what it takes or you wouldn't be here! You don't need to hurt yourself, you are already hurting enough!