
Rape Support Group
If you or someone you know has been the victim of rape, this is the place to find support and get advice. If you want, discuss your experience, share your feelings, and meet others going through a similar situation.

deleted_user
How do you feel about forgiving your rapist? Does religion make you feel you have to forgive? Or do you feel you need to in order to move on?
Myself, my rapist was no one to me then, and he is no one to me now. I do not feel I need to forgive him to move on. He did the crime, and he is the one to has to live with himself, and answer to God about what he did. He has taken away enough from me. I already lived my life with hyper-vigalance, dirupted my family, was scared of everything, and hated and blamed myself for months.
Maybe that is why I felt the way I did about the convicted rapist (iwasstupid) who went on this group. I feel no sympathy for him whatsoever, and thought it was ridiculous for anyone to want to "comfort" him.
Myself, my rapist was no one to me then, and he is no one to me now. I do not feel I need to forgive him to move on. He did the crime, and he is the one to has to live with himself, and answer to God about what he did. He has taken away enough from me. I already lived my life with hyper-vigalance, dirupted my family, was scared of everything, and hated and blamed myself for months.
Maybe that is why I felt the way I did about the convicted rapist (iwasstupid) who went on this group. I feel no sympathy for him whatsoever, and thought it was ridiculous for anyone to want to "comfort" him.
Posts You May Be Interested In
-
I gave my 2 week notice last Friday 13th. Now to join you fine people in a life of leisure and nothing else to do but to look out for myself....is it just me or does that sound pretty boring? My goal was to live to retire and I guess having to take early retirement because of health reasons wasn't exactly the way I had planned things. I just can't stay in that building that is reeking mildew...
-
I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
Should I Forgive My Rapist?
I think that in the effort to live up to interpretations of religious and moral beliefs, many survivors (and their ministers, counselors, and families) have the belief that they need to forgive their perpetrators. The message usually goes something like this: The last step in your recovery is to just let is go. You cant move on if you havent forgive him. That doesnt mean you have to forget what they did, but you have to move on with your life and release your resentment toward him.
This sounds enlightened and wise. But is it? Frankly, no.
The problem I have with the idea of forgiving a rapist is that the meaning of the word forgiveness has become incredibly warped to the point that it is not only useless, but harmful. It has come to describe the act of letting someone else off the hook, wiping the slate clean, cancelling feelings of rejection or blame toward another person, cancelling the consequences another person deserves, and granting an emotional truce toward an offender.
You owe your rapist none of these things. You owe yourself all of these things.
I can understand the concern that people have about the dangerous possibility that you will obsess, in dark ways, about your perpetrator. Constantly thinking about him (or constantly using harmful ways to distract from thinking about him!), and putting limits on your own life because of his actions, are not healthy ways to live. In that sense, it is wise to release your feelings of being vulnerable to him. But that is not the same thing as forgiveness. If forgiveness means letting him off the hook, then what I suggest is something else completely different: letting yourself off the hook of the pain he has caused. The final act of grace, then is not done in his behalf, but in your own.
No other persona therapist, a minister, a parent, a friendshould pressure you with the misguided advice to forgive him and move on. I have seen that this pressure often creates an even larger emotional wound. I am not suggesting that you persist in feelings of hate and bitterness either; what I am suggesting is that any efforts you make to change your feelings should be done for your sake, not his. He, and his well-being, is not the focus of your recovery; you are.
I know that's not what it's meant to be about, but in practice the best I can do is try to let go for my own sake, to reduce their importance in my life.
Forgiving someone else for *their* benefit ......... still a hard one for me, whether the issue is rape, infidelity or any other kind of betrayal.
For me it's got negative connotations of allowing myself to be a doormat, I know it shouldn't have to be like that but that's just been my experience.
Maybe I just need to find an alternative word that means something similar to me, but without the negativity implied.
In therapy we did a meditation with letting them go and cutting the rope etc, it was sooo hard to do, but after doing the same program 3 times i did it.
Forgiveness is such a strong word for me and i would never forgive a rapist.
Thank you Empowered for your insight.
he completely consumed my life, i had so much anger built up, it was scary.
i couldn't live my life like that anymore.
i'm not excusing him in ANY way for what he did, but i had to forgive him to move on. rapists are all about control, and after forgiving him and releasing him from my life, i feel like i have the power and control back
We didn't get to choose whether we would be raped or not, but we do get to choose how we respond to it... just like anything else in life. I didn't want to spend my life eaten up with vengeance, hatred and bitterness.
For me and my understanding of forgiveness it was a matter of fully acknowledging what they did and what it cost me... what it's still costing me today. This places the blame and responsibility exactly where it belongs... on them. As I went over my 'list' of the costs, I took those things and acknowledged that they were now mine to live with and work on, but I gave up my need for vengeance. (I am NOT talking about not pressing charges. This is a legal matter and is what our laws and government is for and should if at all possible, be pursued.) I gave up my hatred of them.
What I didn't expect was the benefits. It cut the bond/tie/cord (however you want to word it) between me and them. The fear began to dissipate and I gained peace. The panic attacks subsided and I was able to leave my house again.
Forgiving did absolutely nothing for them and they still stand accused, but it empowered me and brought me a large measure of peace. It brought me to the place where they were no longer the issue... I was. My healing, my wellbeing, my life. To do with as I choose.
There's an old saying that you've probably all heard; "Bitterness is like swallowing poison and expecting someone else to die."
That makes tremendous sense to me and is very true. Medical studies have shown that bitterness causes many health issues. And we know it doesn't affect the one we're bitter toward in the least.
As far as forgiving AND forgetting. The forgetting part isn't going to happen this side of heaven. That's just life and to think otherwise is pretty much denial of reality.