Here's what I wrote about this:

Should I Forgive My Rapist?

I think that in the effort to live up to interpretations of religious and moral beliefs, many survivors (and their ministers, counselors, and families) have the belief that they need to forgive their perpetrators. The message usually goes something like this: The last step in your recovery is to just let is go. You cant move on if you havent forgive him. That doesnt mean you have to forget what they did, but you have to move on with your life and release your resentment toward him.
This sounds enlightened and wise. But is it? Frankly, no.
The problem I have with the idea of forgiving a rapist is that the meaning of the word forgiveness has become incredibly warped to the point that it is not only useless, but harmful. It has come to describe the act of letting someone else off the hook, wiping the slate clean, cancelling feelings of rejection or blame toward another person, cancelling the consequences another person deserves, and granting an emotional truce toward an offender.
You owe your rapist none of these things. You owe yourself all of these things.
I can understand the concern that people have about the dangerous possibility that you will obsess, in dark ways, about your perpetrator. Constantly thinking about him (or constantly using harmful ways to distract from thinking about him!), and putting limits on your own life because of his actions, are not healthy ways to live. In that sense, it is wise to release your feelings of being vulnerable to him. But that is not the same thing as forgiveness. If forgiveness means letting him off the hook, then what I suggest is something else completely different: letting yourself off the hook of the pain he has caused. The final act of grace, then is not done in his behalf, but in your own.
No other persona therapist, a minister, a parent, a friendshould pressure you with the misguided advice to forgive him and move on. I have seen that this pressure often creates an even larger emotional wound. I am not suggesting that you persist in feelings of hate and bitterness either; what I am suggesting is that any efforts you make to change your feelings should be done for your sake, not his. He, and his well-being, is not the focus of your recovery; you are.

I still struggle with the whole concept of forgiveness anyway, having been in my share of draining relationships with people who seem to interpret forgiveness as permission to do it all over again (!)
I know that's not what it's meant to be about, but in practice the best I can do is try to let go for my own sake, to reduce their importance in my life.
Forgiving someone else for *their* benefit ......... still a hard one for me, whether the issue is rape, infidelity or any other kind of betrayal.

phoenix I know how you feel I cant seem to forgive, I feel like I am giving in or saying it was ok and I just cant seem to do it.

I needed to forgive them inorder to move on. It might not be right for everyone but it was for me.

I think you're right Liti, it just all depends on how you define the word.
For me it's got negative connotations of allowing myself to be a doormat, I know it shouldn't have to be like that but that's just been my experience.
Maybe I just need to find an alternative word that means something similar to me, but without the negativity implied.

I have let go of what they did to me, but i do not forgive them, my counsellor told me that i do not have to forgive them, she doesnt believe that everyone needs to forgive rapists to move on or heal, i just have to work through the affects it has on me, once i can put all my anger, pain, blame, shame, fault etc on them, i learn to let go and move on in my healing.
In therapy we did a meditation with letting them go and cutting the rope etc, it was sooo hard to do, but after doing the same program 3 times i did it.
Forgiveness is such a strong word for me and i would never forgive a rapist.
Thank you Empowered for your insight.

I know that my religion says that I should, but I have a very difficult time with this, because for me their was more than once and more than one I don't think that i'll ever be able to. I know people say that I should in order to completly heal and move on, I think that i'm moving on just fine so far, and maybe one day I'll be able to forgive (i'll never forget) but at this point I don't see that day coming any time soon

I needed to forgive, because I hated too strongly. The hate I felt towards my attacker consumed my life; so for me, forgivness had to be part of my process of moving on.

i agree with October...
he completely consumed my life, i had so much anger built up, it was scary.
i couldn't live my life like that anymore.
i'm not excusing him in ANY way for what he did, but i had to forgive him to move on. rapists are all about control, and after forgiving him and releasing him from my life, i feel like i have the power and control back

Sometimes I feel like I'm having little breakthrough moments...not exactly forgiving, but I'm just not as angry anymore - he's not holding power over me. I think I will get there eventually - I want to forgive him.

i forgave my rapists for myself. not for them. i am having a hard time with the most recent - which happend 7 years ago this july - but i had more of a relationship with him, and perhaps it is because it is the most recent too. its going to take more time to really truely forgive him. but the others? yes. i forgave them for me and my peace.

I chose to forgive.

We didn't get to choose whether we would be raped or not, but we do get to choose how we respond to it... just like anything else in life. I didn't want to spend my life eaten up with vengeance, hatred and bitterness.

For me and my understanding of forgiveness it was a matter of fully acknowledging what they did and what it cost me... what it's still costing me today. This places the blame and responsibility exactly where it belongs... on them. As I went over my 'list' of the costs, I took those things and acknowledged that they were now mine to live with and work on, but I gave up my need for vengeance. (I am NOT talking about not pressing charges. This is a legal matter and is what our laws and government is for and should if at all possible, be pursued.) I gave up my hatred of them.

What I didn't expect was the benefits. It cut the bond/tie/cord (however you want to word it) between me and them. The fear began to dissipate and I gained peace. The panic attacks subsided and I was able to leave my house again.

Forgiving did absolutely nothing for them and they still stand accused, but it empowered me and brought me a large measure of peace. It brought me to the place where they were no longer the issue... I was. My healing, my wellbeing, my life. To do with as I choose.

There's an old saying that you've probably all heard; "Bitterness is like swallowing poison and expecting someone else to die."

That makes tremendous sense to me and is very true. Medical studies have shown that bitterness causes many health issues. And we know it doesn't affect the one we're bitter toward in the least.

As far as forgiving AND forgetting. The forgetting part isn't going to happen this side of heaven. That's just life and to think otherwise is pretty much denial of reality.