Rape Support Group
If you or someone you know has been the victim of rape, this is the place to find support and get advice. If you want, discuss your experience, share your feelings, and meet others going through a similar situation.
I was raped by the brother of a friend 5 years ago. I moved soon after to another country so I didn't actually have to deal with seeing him. I recently went home again and the emotions were rediculous! I live in the ghetto so sometimes there are gunshots. I remember hoping he'd gotten shot one night and another night hoping that he got run over by a car. I'm not sure if these thoughts are normal because I went right to thew "I'm fine" place.
The rape happened in my house in the kitchen so I revisited that everyday all the time, which was a bit much. Some days I blocked it and other days I spazed. I saw him almost everyday for the time that I was back there and at one point he was so close to me I could smell him. I wanted to pass out or run away screaming but I just kept it cool and ignored him, as always.
I'm not sure how to be angry about this yet! I don't really get angry. I barely even raise my voice beyond it's normal register. I get upset and I don't talk because I know I won't be able to take back the things that I've said. I have crazy flashbacks sometimes and I freak out. Sometimes I wake up crying because I dream people touching me and I think it's him or another person coming to hurt me.
Does anybody have anything to offer?
The rape happened in my house in the kitchen so I revisited that everyday all the time, which was a bit much. Some days I blocked it and other days I spazed. I saw him almost everyday for the time that I was back there and at one point he was so close to me I could smell him. I wanted to pass out or run away screaming but I just kept it cool and ignored him, as always.
I'm not sure how to be angry about this yet! I don't really get angry. I barely even raise my voice beyond it's normal register. I get upset and I don't talk because I know I won't be able to take back the things that I've said. I have crazy flashbacks sometimes and I freak out. Sometimes I wake up crying because I dream people touching me and I think it's him or another person coming to hurt me.
Does anybody have anything to offer?
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
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I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
Second of all... I understand all of the confusing, awful things you're feeling. I wish I had some lovely jewel of wisdom to bestow upon you, but I don't. Every day for me is a struggle... I don't feel safe in my own bed, I don't feel safe going out...
I've had some very vivid fantasies about what I would do to each of my rapists. The first two, who raped me when I was 14, I want dead. Suffering and pain first, but in the end, very very dead. The guy who raped me this summer was someone I thought cared about me (hell, the entire time, he was telling me that he loved me and that he hoped I knew he would never do anything to hurt me, and then kept asking me to tell him I loved him too). I don't want him dead... I want him to live the rest of his miserable life feeling the pain I feel each and every damn day. I want him to feel dirty and degraded and sick inside. I want him to feel so violated that he can't stand to be in his own skin...
All of those fantasies, all of that anger - those are probably some of the only things keeping me alive at this point.
So I return to my first statement... get angry, girl! You don't have to scream, but punch a pillow, something. If he's coming into your family home, or coming around you while you're visiting, that just compounds what a shit he is (excuse the language), which gives you even more cause to be angry.
I realize this probably hasn't been helpful... but your post made my heart ache for you. I kinda had to respond, if that makes sense.
Take care of yourself.