i have nightmares all night when i sleep, i don't usually remember them anymore but the feeling is still there. so i stay up as late as i possibly can every night until i am literately almost passed out from exhaustion (and often not eating enough) that maybe the dreams won't be as bad because i'll be too tired to dream. also i just plain dread sleep because that means that i'll have the opportunity for nightmares. my eyes are watering now and almost crossed and i'm so sleepy i am dizzy and feeling really wierd. i have bipolar and ptsd so b/c of the bipolar i am supposed to get a regular 8 hr sleep every night to control my moods (which aren't really in control anyway). i haven't cut in a long time (years), just scratched twice in the last week, once until there was blood. i see a pdoc, case worker, and therapist (who i've only seen 3 times, i've been in therapy most of my life tho). i am losing my mind. i need sleep but don't want to because i'll dream! and i quit doing homework and studying too (i'm usually very academically inclined). my pdoc was thinking about putting me in the hospital last week because i was suicidal, had the plan and everything planned out to where i wouldn't fail and i couldn't have any way to change my mind. i feel like i'm living a lie with others. i try to act like i'm happy, smart, in leadership postions, when really i'm screaming inside. i don't know what to do. i just need dreamless sleep. i looked it up on the internet on how to get dreamless sleep and read about a study being done to give lsd to ptsd victims to help cure them. seems a bit extreme, but does it work? i don't want to resort to anything like that, though. i just want dreamless sleep! and i'm sick of hearing it takes time, blah, blah, blah. i need help NOW and if i don't get it i'll end up in the hospital if not from this ptsd from the rapes then from my bipolar from never sleeping. i had some klonopin to take prn but was doubling it and taking it every day. then yesterday i stopping it. (i was only taking 2 mg.) that didn't help, the klonopin that is. i am an intelligent person, really, but i feel psycho. and so scared to sleep. does anyone know how to get dreamless sleep???
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