I was raped when I was a little kid. I always kind of knew, but the memories just started to become more clear recently. There's a couple of things I want to know if other people can relate to. I feel so guilty and ashamed..

Before he actually raped me..he was rubbing me..and that part I guess I enjoyed..but then the actual rape hurt so bad. It seems now I'm attracted to pain. I get feelings of arousal if there's a rape scene on TV or something. Its just physical, mentally I'm sickened. When I was a kid..and I can't believe I'm going to admit this..I used to masturbate thinking about women in pain. I feel so fucking sick. I don't how my body can be aroused by that. I was a little girl in so much pain, how can thinking of others in that situation make my body feel good? I hate myself for it.

I've been telling my therapist about the memories I've been having. Sometimes when I describe what I remember happening to me I get feelings of arousal. Its so hard for me to physically get the words out..I don't understand why body reacts this way. It makes me wonder if subconsciously I like reliving it. It makes me question how I feel about my therapist..why do I get these feelings telling her these things?

Obviously most of us have flashbacks of what happened to us..but does anyone else have flashbacks of telling someone what happened? Whenever I decide to reveal something about what happened to my therapist..the next week I relive the conservation in my head over and over. Why?

I just feel like such a bad person for all of this.