I really thought that I was handling things well - that I was coping and not letting that SOB get the best of me. Sure, I've been thinking about him... we used to be such wonderful friends that it almost makes sense that I would think of my friend first and not what he did to me. Hell, it still shocks me at times. Sure, I still feel uncomfortable and scared in public situations, especially when there are men I don't know talking to me or standing near me. That's all normal right?

Monday night, I'm in class, and we're talking about anxiety disorders, and the professor hands out some quotes for people to read. The one for PTSD starts out "The rape happened just before Thanksgiving. I'm scared all the time, and when that time of year comes around..." and that's all I heard. I shut down, and as soon as the woman was done reading the quote, I ran to the bathroom choking back bile. A girlfriend of mine from class found me in the bathroom, crouched on the floor, wedged between a sink and the wall, rocking back and forth with my hands over my ears. Suddenly it was July 17th all over again. I couldn't sleep in my bed that night. Last night, I had to - no where else I could really go that so late (I have class Tues nights too). It took me forever to sleep, and it wasn't restful.

I feel like I haven't slept in months. I feel like I'm losing my mind. And worst of all, I want his blood, and I am more than willing to lose my soul to get it.

That's it... he finally won. I'm a shell of myself and I know now that I'm capable of physical violence. I'm scared for myself and of myself at this point. We frequent the same places, so there's always a chance I'll see him... and I know what I'll do if that happens......