i have just passed up my first sixty days of sobriety, and it wasn't easy. this is the longest stretch of clean time i have had since i started using the painkillers and smoking weed, so this is new for me. it was suggested to me that addiction is a form of OCD, you become obsessed with the drugs and the high which then turns into a compulsion to use. i can believe that. so far, i find that the compulsion to use is fading. i don't find myself seeking out doctors and family members who have have the drugs that i can steal or seeking out pharmacies in far away places that will ship me my drugs in mass quantities. it is a relief not to worry about where my next bottle or bag will come from. what i am finding hard to cope with is the obsession. i find myself thinkin about the high, the buzz, the warm fuzzy feeling of being totally numb. at times i miss the feeling of that first high so much i feel like im going to lose my mind! it invades my dreams. i can't even sleep in peace, it's always there! i have visions of finding giant cookie jars full of vicodin or oxy. i dream of smoking out with all my old connects while walking through giant fields of marijuana. i wonder "will the obsession ever go away"?
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