i do not by any means consider myself to be a drug addict. I use drugs on occassion .. usually a few times a month .. although sometimes that increases to a couple times a week. I like pain killers and alcohol. Just snorted 3 VIc ESers and am drinking some wine to take the edge off. Nothing seems to take the edge off like drugs .. they give me a little mood boost and with PK's I dont wake up with a hangover or feeling worse about my life or anything. I dont know .. is this really a problem? I guess I am playing with fire here, but i dont consider it to be that dangerous becuase I keep it under control. I want someone or somehting to take away the pain that I feel , but that pain never goes away. I take medicine, but it doesnt do anything. Sometimes drinking and drugs are my only outlet. Exercise will help on occassion, but I think i really like having that buzz now and again to take some of the pain away for a short time. This sounds pathetic and is something that I would have frowned upon a few years ago .. before things got bad. I dont really get fucked up to get fucked up .. I get fucked up to take relieve some pain from my tormented mind, body, and soul .... is that really so bad? Maybe it COULD lead to addiction, but I am strong willed enough to limit my use. Please dont tell me to tlak to a health care professional .. they dont really help .. i guess I just want to know if anyone else out there feels like this about their drug use. i guess i just want to talk to someone cuz im lonely as hell and full of hurt.
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Today is the first day of my new start. my beer drinking has to stop this time for good. I have gone 460 days before, but I fell back last May, and now it is February. I am really determined this time .
Just texted my wife about my thoughts. Will see how this goes.