Pregnancy Support Group

Welcome to the waiting room for anticipating moms and dads. Whether you're expecting your first or a new little brother or sister, meet other parents in this community who are also looking forward to a new addition to the family.

0 Online
0 Online

Mother-in-law trouble

I am having a hard time dealing with my mother-in-law. Dont get me wrong I love her, but she is driving me crazy with unwanted advice. I am 19 weeks pregnant with my first child and I feel like she is trying to take control of everything. I am not sure of what to do about her. I have spoke with my husband about how she makes me feel but he is no help. The further along I get the more pushing she does. She makes all kinds of comments on what I need to do and talks about how she cant wait until HER baby gets here. The last time I checked it was MY baby. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with her without starting a war?

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Unwanted advice is the bane of every pregnant woman! There's always someone who will tell you what they did and how what you are doing is wrong....I think it's just worse for you because it's someone you see and talk to all the time. I know it's hard on you, but like Alaska said, since she's family, it's best to just listen. You don't need to actually do anything she says, but it's probably easy to just sit and nod your head than it is to get into an argument. Now, if she's really putting you down and making you feel bad then I would stop her and say something. If it's causing you stress, which isn't good for you or the baby, then you should speak up. So, it's kinda a fine line you are walking I guess, and since I'm not in your shoes and don't know exactly what's being said I can't really tell you one way or the other. Just do what you think is right for yourself, because it's your health and that of the baby's that's most important here. :)
Justonekitty
Justonekitty

My MIL has moved in. I feel like she is trying to steal my family (including my husband). I feel for you.
Ayreish
Ayreish

While I don't really have advice, I do have sympathy! My MIL has always had this habit of butting into our business in one way or another. Now that we're expecting twins, she calls several times a day to find out if we want this or that or whatever. And if she doesn't like a decision we make, we definitely hear about it! But, hubby has tried to make it clear to her that these are OUR kids and while we appreciate the input, she just has to deal with the decisions we make. As for my own mother, I just have to keep reminding her that things have come a long way since I was born... like cloth diapers! She's not big on the idea, but she still doesn't understand there are numerous options for cloth diapers out there now. I hear about that one every time I talk to her. Sometimes all you can do with the advice and input is to smile and nod and say "I'll keep that in mind." and ultimately go with what you feel is best for you and your baby.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Definitely know how you feel! We rarely talk to or see my mother in law as she recently moved across the state but when we do talk to her, it's all negative comments and advice that I didn't ask for. The hardest part for me is that she gets very nasty with me even when she is supposedly just trying to give advice but is all sweet with my husband when she tries to get him to put her ideas into my head. Definitely easier to just nod and smile and then forget all about her as soon as we are one talking, Sometimes help to tell my husband to grow up and get a life when I know he is trying to be a mooma's boy and does whatever she says lol.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I'm not trying to downplay how annoying this is!! I can only imagine though...I have no parents at all. Just keep in mind that some people would kill to have a mother or older female around to look up to or ask advice from. even if the advice got annoying, I'd still rather have a mom then no mom....
deleted_user
deleted_user

wow - if my DH weren't an only child, i would think your MIL was the same as mine!! since before i got pregnant, she has been giving me all sorts of unwanted advice (including, but not limited to: "you only need 2 jumper dresses & then lots of turtlenecks to wear under them", "don't gain more than 15 lbs or it will ruin your internal organs", "i went into labor 3 weeks early b/c i drove to work every day, so you shouldn't ride in a car"). the worst thing she did was tell me that my baby won't look anything like me & will look like her (this was based on a fuzzy 20 week ultrasound pic). the craziness never stops! she also says it is HER baby. after months of saything nothing, at christmas i finally looked at her & smiled sweetly & said "whose baby is it??" she made a nasty face & said "YOURS!". my MIL is one of those who will always play the victim. she could say horrible things to me & if i call her on it, it'll be "my daughter-in-law is so ungrateful! i'm just trying to help & no one appreciates me!" so i have been keeping my mouth shut. i know that's not the best advice, but it's the only way i've found to keep the peace. i am wishing you LOTS of luck! hopefully you don't see her ALL the time & you get a break!
deleted_user
deleted_user

Well you are definitely not alone in going through with this! I cannot STAND this type of advice, especially from someone like my MIL (or my own mother for that matter..). If I were you, I would just be blunt but not rude. For example, if she tells you something you need to do - tell her right then and there that you aren't going to do it that way or if you are that you already have it under control, etc. Also, if she says something about HER baby - I would say (lightheardedly) "oh you mean my baby" or something along those lines... like make it sort of like a joke but maybe she'll get the hint:) I think the key is to not come across as rude because you definitely don't need any drama, but you should certainly stand up for yourself and let her know how you feel. Just my opinion on how I would handle it, but I think it depends on a lot - your personality, your MIL's personality, etc. Good luck!
deleted_user
deleted_user

Thanks everyone for the advice. It has made me feel better.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Just smile and nod, but if she gets too out of control or hurts your feelings, then nicely but firmly let her know that you are doing everything the doctors are telling you to do and everything is under control. We already put a lid on grandparents taking over by telling them that when they come over to see the baby they always have to bring a pack of diapers, ha ha!
deleted_user
deleted_user

I had the same issue! I am pregnant with number 5 and it has taken until now for my husband to go Oh My Gawd my mother is driving me insane (or my mum for that matter mind you the my mother started long ago) he has finally realised how painful his mother is/was and why I kept cracking it and backing away from his parents all the time and at times stopping them from seeing the kids altogether for months on end just so I could get some sanity! The only way we fixed the problem was by moving 9 hours away from them lol now I can easily ignore the comments etc cause they are always over the phone and we see them maybe twice a year if we are lucky! This bub is my mum's 12th grandchild and she calls all of her grandkids "her babies" I think it is a grandmother thing! The thing when we living so close I hated them taking over the kids now we live so far away they come and stay and I thrust the kids into their arms and I relax! Don't push grandma away as much as you may want to because when there will come a day when you will need her badly and if you have done nothing but turn her away she will be less likely to help you! Good luck
deleted_user
deleted_user

I think it's super important to set up healthy boundaries from the get go. Smiling and nodding for some women only further instils in their mind that they've gotten their way. I'm only 5 weeks and am already having to remind my MIL who is in control. I say it with a smile, there's no need to be rude, but I've already made it clear that I will continue to work, our child will go to daycare (not be watched by her and my FIL) and that I will stop breastfeeding when I see fit.

Now, I also use humor for her. For instance, when she once asked my dh in front of me if there was any food in our fridge, I giggled and responded, 'Nope, your son's going to starve. I never feed him.' Also, when we moved (we live just down the next street from them) and she informed me she could come by any day, I smiled and said once a week was just fine. I wasn't rude, but firm. Same with when she was at my house for Thanksgiving. I told her I prefered she entertain the guests, rather than stay in the kitchen with me.

It's really like teaching kids in school what they can and can't do. I apply the same logic to my MIL. =)

Good luck!
deleted_user
deleted_user

When I had my first child I told everyone that my house was off limits for at least 2 weeks when we left the hospital. No visitors no phone calls, nothing. I stuck to my guns on that one. After the first 2 weeks I allowed short visits, and some phone calls. I was so glad I did that. It allows you to set up your own routines within your family with your new baby. No one with their "good advice" can interfere that way. Everything is so hectic when you first get home, and yes the MIL and your own Mom believe they are just coming over to help "kinda clean up or do the laundry or dinner". I was afraid I would have to deal with unwanted advice. I didn't get along with my MIL at the best of times....so.. My husband took a couple weeks off to be with us at that time and we managed it all by ourselves. It worked out so well that we plan on doing it with this child as well.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I got along with my MIL just until I was pregnant. Then things really soured. I never argued with her, but I was so tired of her obsessiveness about my pregnancy- I felt that I was just a vessel carrying babies vs the person she related to beforehand. She asked intrusive questions, referred to the babies as "her babies" and wanted to be involved in every aspect, during and after the birth. As a result, we said we did not want visitors at the hospital and just tried to set other boundaries. now that the girls are older, the dynamic has changed, I really respect how well she does with the girls- she is really great with them and a huge help to me. She now calls them "her girls" which I find much less threatening/annoying. Of course I am pregnant again-due in a little over a month and I am starting to have flashbacks! There is a need for balance here, to let her know that she is appreciated, loved, etc, but that when we bring a new baby home we will need some space, etc.
deleted_user
deleted_user

OMG if my MIL says 'MY baby' one more time I am going to snap. I know exactly how you feel! I'm lucky enough though to have a husband who stands up to his mother like its his job so if I want him to say something he will or he usually says something before I have to ask. You didnt go into detail about why your husband is no help? Does he not feel its a problem? Is he a mommas boy and afraid of her?
I disagree with all the people who say basically grin and bare it. Why do people get to say and do whatever they want to the pregnant women? Its not right that they can just do whatever they want with no consequences.
You dont have to get into a slap fight or anything but I think us pregnant gals should all start standing up for ourselves. In this particular situation hubby needs to step in. Just like if your mother was being rude to him, Im sure you would step in.
deleted_user
deleted_user

My husband just tells me to ignore her. There are times he does tell her how we are feeling. I do wish he would stand up to her more.