So I saw the neurologist today. She’s sending me for an MRI and a whole bunch of other tests. She is concerned that there might be a lesions or tumors pressing on a certain part of my brain causing the vertigo and ear ringing because of the symptoms that I’m having and the duration of them.
In addition to that she said I don’t have peripheral neuropathy. I have cervical myelopathy (compression in the spine in my neck) which is causing the symptoms of neuropathy in my arms and hands. If it were peripheral neuropathy, I would also have it in my legs and feet, which I don’t. In other words, the only fix for it is more fucking surgery. Either way, it’s a lifelong condition. So no matter what the MRI comes back and says, in all likelihood I’ll need surgery on my neck too. That’s if I’m lucky and there’s nothing else going on in my brain.
My orthopedic surgeon, the one that fused my low back, said to me right after surgery that if I hadn’t had that surgery that day, I would’ve never had a normal life again. It appears that no matter what I did, I was never going to have a normal life again. More surgery is in all likelihood in my future. And if I opt out of surgery then the condition just gets worse over time. Not even sure if I can opt of surgery yet.
And if they don’t find anything in the MRI, then I suppose I have ANOTHER idiopathic condition of chronic vertigo for some reason the doctors won’t be able to figure out. Or they do find what she thinks and I don’t know what happens after that.
I just turned 36 years old. Reaching 50 at this point seems like a Hail Mary pass. Reaching 40 might be a Hail Mary pass.
And I was feeling pretty good lately. Depression wasn’t too bad. Lower anxiety levels. I even started building the e-commerce website that I’ve been wanting to build for a while. I ordered a product from a supplier and loved it and was going to put it on my store. I wanted to launch the store in either the end of October or early November.
Is this to be my life? More specialists, more surgery, possibly worse?
So today I’m going to be depressed. And then starting tomorrow and every day after that, I’m just going to start living like I only have a few years left. Because it’s looking like if depression and ptsd doesn’t kill me, something else in my brain or spine will sooner rather than later.
I never got a real chance to enjoy life. I’ll go to the doctor appointments and do the tests, but I’m gonna have some fun before I die. Even if I have to be dizzy with a cane while I do it.
There is a colony of bats that live under a bridge in Austin. I hear it’s an amazing sight when you see them fly. I haven’t seen them yet. I’m going to see them soon, this week or next. And I’m taking a shit ton of pictures.
And I’m going to all the other places I haven’t been able to see here yet.
Well I went to the doctor Wednesday and told her about my hands hurting and feet. Well I all so been having joint pain and been super tired. Well I took some blood test to see if I have rheumatoid arthritis because my hands are so bad and for joint immune difisionsy and inflammatory in my body. Been praying because my back hurts so bad to that I missed work. I'm so tired of pain and crying.