TW: tomrrow my appt for intensive treatment progrm
...screening. and my big concern is what if they don't accept me? that would be the end of the line as i see it. as i see it that would mean that there is no treatment for someone who is incurable - me. so i wonder, should i be honest or careful? my therapist says to be honest. don't change truths to try and be what i think will get me accepted. and you know, that while i'm doing whatever to try my best, i will have my hijacker trying to ruin everything. so i'm a bit worried. people don't understand that for me, it is really difficult to do things the way i want when my hijacker wants different. people listen to me and then say i should do this or do that. and i keep saying i can't because my hijacker won't let me and that doesn't sink in. people try to tell me that my hijacker is me and that if it is me then it is i who won't let me. i know that. but i don't know how to make me move if hijacker says no. then there is the frustration factor. i found it intensely frustrating waiting these past two weeks for the appointment. i was already waiting a couple weeks before that for a telephone screening. ok so then i made it through round 1. maybe i'll get through round 2. i'll let you know what happened in the evening. wish me whatever i need to be wished.
i can't be negative though. i really willl try.
aha :)put this in my journal but posting alsotired, i've realised though, that lots of this dreaming stuff and clarity is coming from less chemicals in me, duhbeen lessening benzos, working slowly down for a few months, tricking my body - more than mnths, been whittling at it for yrs really. knwoing it would be like a trick to do it. the mental belief of needing them is so strong. scary...
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