TW: tomrrow my appt for intensive treatment progrm
...screening. and my big concern is what if they don't accept me? that would be the end of the line as i see it. as i see it that would mean that there is no treatment for someone who is incurable - me. so i wonder, should i be honest or careful? my therapist says to be honest. don't change truths to try and be what i think will get me accepted. and you know, that while i'm doing whatever to try my best, i will have my hijacker trying to ruin everything. so i'm a bit worried. people don't understand that for me, it is really difficult to do things the way i want when my hijacker wants different. people listen to me and then say i should do this or do that. and i keep saying i can't because my hijacker won't let me and that doesn't sink in. people try to tell me that my hijacker is me and that if it is me then it is i who won't let me. i know that. but i don't know how to make me move if hijacker says no. then there is the frustration factor. i found it intensely frustrating waiting these past two weeks for the appointment. i was already waiting a couple weeks before that for a telephone screening. ok so then i made it through round 1. maybe i'll get through round 2. i'll let you know what happened in the evening. wish me whatever i need to be wished.
i can't be negative though. i really willl try.
it has become increasingly clear to me that my only support systemis my pdoc/tdoc,and you guys..little to no support from my boyfriend whom i hardly even see,and my only friend,my best friend who lives 6 hours away has attachment disorder so she frequently disappears,stops calling..too scared to join a meet up,and don't know what denomination of church feel comfortable attending.i've never found...
I was "referred" here and maybe it'll help... who knows? Anyways, I've been struggling with PTSD for about 4 years (since I was 14/15) and everything just keeps coming back and I've been bed ridden for days because nothing seems to help my flashbacks or panic attacks and every time I close my eyes, I see those horrible images in my head and I'm scared I'm going to do something to myself if I get...
I feel sad & defeated today
During my stress yesterday I posted very sensitive stuff on here without warning others. I've deleted it in an attempt to make it right but I'm really sorry for anyone I upset and will be more thoughtful next time.