This seems to have come very much from left field. I had my test (gasroscopy) yesterday and every single person that I met was lovely. all so kind and friendly. I even overheard one nurse telling another that I was a lovely woman. The procedure itself was ok and over quickly although the sedation didn't really kick in a whole lot until afterwards and I had a wonderful sleep afterwards for about an hour.
The day went on ok although wolfgang was quite unpleasant during the evening and said several mean things to me including telling me that I had been too soft on my kids and spoiled them too much when they were kids. this from a man who tied his stepson to a tree when he was a small child one time when he misbehaved because he had made the threat and it would have been bad parenting to not carry it through when the child didn't do whatever he was told. He went on to rant about how women are too soft and need a strong man to keep children in hand...(very old fashioned, uneducated thinking, i think). He completely dismissed my training and education as a child psychologist. I fell undermined.
eventually he went to bed and I cleaned up and went off to bed myself. out of the blue I went right down and for the first time in many months I cut my arm and my leg. I am a little bemused this morning as I had successfully resisted all urges for so long.
I feel very alone right now as the storm rages both outside and in.
My children have all been to college, one is in computers, the second is a chef and my daughter is a working actor. They might not be very good to me right now but all have good friends and seem to be good people so I believe their lack of interest/concern for me is just a phase. they are 33, 31 and 27 (two sons and one daughter).
I know in my heart that while I made very normal mistakes that I always apologised immediately and did my absolute best for them at any given time and continue to do so even though they are now grown up.