My therapist brought something up from my childhood. Something I'd boxed up, put in a locked chest, in a cement box, in a 6 ft hole, then covered with cement & dirt. Planted some flowering perennials on top. There was a cherry; I think a squirrel took it.
She wants me to see a special kind of therapist, one who has better tools to get into locked chests. This chest and others.
Which has me so incredibly freaking out. Panicking. There's this crushing pressure. I sleep all day, because my snuggly bed and blanket and amethyst ball are so much nicer than thoughts. Or emptiness. Or wanting but not wanting.
Now I've got these stupid, horrible, super meanie thoughts. Memories. Conversations. Imagined conversations. Imagined confrontations. Memories I barely or rarely remember.
So here's my summary. It helps sometimes to write down some of my demonic mind weasels. I've never shared some of this.
I was molested 3 times. Not super serious stuff. Touching. The first was the worst and the only one that haunts me. I was about 21. I ended up in the bathtub crying. I quit work, because my distributor refused to protect me in any way.
I was probably raped 3 times. At 8 yrs old and twice 4 yrs ago. The last time doesn't impact me. I think. I barely think of it as rape. The first can burn in fiery hell in its cement box. The 2nd, that one I've done a lot of work on. I even confronted him.
My dad is a sociopath. In the true sense of the word, the clinical definition. Not a psychopath or "my dad is crazy." So yeah... I kinda don't remember much. High school is a combination of big memory gaps & fluffy cotton candy.
I've spent the past 5 yrs trying to find me. A lot of extremes. I think I'm finding my middle me.
I've been in a lot of relationships. Married. Nearly married. One was wonderful and will always hold my heart, but we aren't right together. Everybody else? EVERYBODY ELSE. Was abusive. Of course I didn't see it. Not until much later, when I started learning that that's not normal. My last was the one I desperately wanted to marry. Surprise! A sociopath. I felt my sanity teetering on the cliff edge. Have you ever watched yourself go insane?
So here I am. Curled in bed after curling in bed for 7 days. Crying. Wanting to scream. Terrified. Wanting nothing more than to feel safe arms holding me. To feel safe. Do I sound stable and controlled and maybe even upbeat? Yeah... I can get like that when my insides want to be outside. When my head is beyond explosion and is seriously considering the physics of implosion. I can fake a good game.
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