So, last evening I was doing okay and just sitting around flipping through magazines in an office at my appointment, and I paused to read an advertiesment. As I am a writer by nature, my nerdy little attention span is attracted to pen ads. So there was this giant full page Pilot pen ad and my inner nerd zoned in on it, cause well they make some really great gel rollers that i love. It pictured a woman, another draw of attraction, holding the pen up near her face, and down her arm we can see that someone used the pen to write on her. It reads “ Daddy’s lil girl” .
Well, fought off the instant flash and panic, made it through my appointment, came home and got hit with a wave of negative emotions as well as the flashes. I had to sedate myself and call it a night cause i was reliving things that just made me feel totally worthless and that began to eat at some current day insecurities, and well, before i knew it i was wicked depressed and having suicidal ideations thinking i could just take all my meds and go to sleep permanently and peacefully. I recognized the ideations were surfacing and that is when i decided to just sedate myself. Ugh
i was just reading a damn magazine and enjoying the prospect of a pretty new pen to play with when i write.
moments like this just suck cause they remind me of what vulnerable feels like and i hate that feeling!
just venting, thNks for listening
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