My fiance and I have been together for 6 years. He was my life, he was bipolar but refused to go for treatment or take meds. His downs were really bad, he was emotionally abusive; however, he always told me to go and stay away because he did not want to hurt me. He was an alcoholic and used drugs from time to time. In the time we were together he received a DUI, broke his ankle, and had a stroke, all of which when he was down stated it was my fault that I ruined his life and he wished he never met me. After his downs he would cry and cry and tell me how much he loved me and was so sorry that I was the best thing that ever happened to him that no one in his life ever loved him as much as I did. When he was not manic we were so in love and loved life. I tried so many times to get him help, and Steed was very good at keeping all of this in our apartment no one really new what pain he was in. He talked about suicide often but promised me that he would just leave and I would never see him again. Well on February 14, 2009 Steed was in a really bad down, so I left him alone. I took my boys out for the day, I arrived home around 7pm and he was still down. I suggested we leave our apartment and go to a hotel for a change of scenery. We did this, and went to eat and his mood was changing he thanked me for getting him out and that he loved me more than he could ever express. We fell alseep around 12:30 and I woke up to the sound of a gun being fired and found Steed on the floor at the end of the bed, there was so much blood. He watched me sleep and put that gun in his mouth and left me with out saying good bye. I don't know how to go on. I need to know some answers, was he watching me sleep and thinking that he loved me so much that he wanted to say my life, or was he watching me thinking how much I ruined his life and this is my punishment. We were supposed to be together forever. I never resented him for the things he said, I knew more than anything how much he loved me and now I am having a difficult time just remembering to breath. I am so afraid that I won't make it to the other end. How do I stop waking at 1:24 am hearing the shot and seeing him lying there with all the blood?
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