I think i am a bit triggered because if what is going on with my neice's 10 year old.
So today I made plans to hang with a friend. She called to ask if i wanted to go to another friend's house. This is her friend but i know her. My friend got a better offer is the story i am telling myself. She would rather hang out with her other friend because they both smoke pot and get high. More fun than I am. So i went with her to the other friends house. They sat and made plans about what they were doing on the weekend and got high. Then my friend says, oh you can come this weekend too. Really...oh no. I really want to be the third wheel. An after thought of being invited. If they wanted me there they would have asked me in the first place. I ended up feeling like shit, left out not included. Yet just another reminder of my entire school career when i was left out and not included. I feel so invisible and a bit jealous. My friend is off work on a stress leave, she has so much support. Her week is filled with family and friends taking her out and doing things with her. I sit at home alone most days. Must be nice to have peopke rally around you and support you and invite you out to do things.
On Thursday another friend of hers is taking her to the states shopping. my friend saiI don't d i could go too. no the other friend invited her and is driving. she just cannot invite me too without checking with the other friend. I made an excuse my knee is too sore to walk to far.
I don't want to be a third wheel. I don't want pitty invites. I feel pathetic that i am getting pitty invites. It is not making me feel good as a person.
Not sure how much we're allowed to get into. But I just posted a journal entitled screaming which really says it all. All of a sudden my life feels like it's back in crisis mode. And all because of a memory. I hate the way my brain work sometimes. And it's not very much fun having a mother that allowed my father to do what he did to me for all those years. I want so much to get past...
I got up anxious this morning because at the end of the week I have to return from Mexico, where I plan to retire, to my workplace in the USA, where I have 2 years more to go before retiring.It's not just about going back to work, it's about going back to work at a school that's having such trouble with dwindling enrollment that it's making ends meet by asking older teachers to retire. Then it...