moving no wallet ,, hmm probably left it at apt,,, triger big trigger cascading in ,, so much negativity why cant i give myself credit,, for moving out of here,,,,,, meeting with property manager today,,, see crossing guards and teacher on duty ,, and then the rape comes up,,, i feel like a loser,, i am depressed ,,, well i lost all my self esteem , afer the rape i just have not overome and i just wish i had this forum back then i did not know such a thing existed i would have had the support i needed , things can be overcome with support,,, i am still stuck at the scene of the crime yesterday was celebrating in therapy the victories and today it all comes down on my head ie you are old you are a hasbeen you will never make it out of here,,, you are doomed,, forget it you are not a teacher u are over the hill forget it ,, stop talking about it yo are not a teacher nobody even remembers you,,, OMG and it just would not stop all over the wallet being probably left at the other place and the fact i am still camping out here,,, look i know i have ptsd i know i am sixty and the world starts throwing us away at that point unless we are still beautiful rich and successful, but i am not sure why i would let this all come down in so much negativity talk about defeating trigger,,,,,, well ok it is 930 waiting for the realtor there is only one thought that gets me out of the self pity pot,,,,, i say to myself if you sit here and beat yourself up the rape wins i met another young rape survivor yesterday at the rape crisis center and she has been going forever she told me how hard it is to come out with this at an older age and she and most women dont get over it they bury it,, well i am not going to bury it that is not who i am i felt empowered talking to her she is a groomer, and is going to groom lady she comes to the home so an ally who is struggling with this issue will be good,, not that you guys arent there but a face to face i am in need of a friend or two as my self is in toilet your daily battles give me strength the humilation of the rape was one trauma the neighbors revictimizing me was the other i refuse to forget or to let his ,, a go,, until i get back some of me that is why we have memorials v day rememberance of the9 11 victims a horrible crime happened i want some justice and i hate myself for letting it happen see i still blame myself,, it will not ever ever go away i already was living the life of a misfit being gay but ,,,,,,,i had respect because i was an exceptional teacher and it did not matter nobody cared about my sexuality it iwas a non issue but being on disability nobody knows i am or was all that i have no purpose i want to get settled and go to vocational rehab,, go back to work anything i dont care what it is work is dignity,,,, and i have none,,so he wins if i am out of the game ,,, even mentoring ,, disablity was the ruin of me i just wish i had never gone but just taken a long long break , that was my life my identity and so so much more,,,,, so i have a reason to fight,, can i do it ,, it is up to me but thinking about having a victorious chapter , getting off my butt and finding a new season,, well the SOB doesnt win maybe i should be a keynote speaker for rape rallies i dont know i am venting i have to get it out, or it will take me out, childhood was transformed with teaching and music ,,, and the rapist, took it , how much more , no more no more no more and mama sorry gotta get mama in there i am not u and i am not a religious hater ,, God loves his or her children especially the disenfranchised ones and i am not going to go to hell for being gay,, thanks for readiing and supporting me back to moving LOL
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