i am navigating what i need to do to face my fears right now after this huge move i feel like a deer in headlights still not completely acclimated ,, got into eating and spending a few of my lovely addictions ,, short term fix with consequences ie mind you it was just gouda cheese and havarti LOL it was on sale at my store but i really have to go on a dash low sodium diet i am stubborn , i got up with a resolve to set a 30 day goal ,, i have a very expensive self help program on anxiety and phobic depression i am going to try it,,,,, a part of me is glad to be here out of the real dangers of living in a rishky area,,,, life has changed most places are risky it is a new world than the one i taught school in , i am starting to realize something i did not ask to be raped if i lived in a neighborhood for years without any stuff like that and we go to recession and my life takes a turn for the worse so does our neighborhood ie i got assaulted and the neighbors are afraid i did nothing wrong it isnt my childhood i got over alot of that when i taught school and was able to go for a trauma program i had excellent therapy too,, as many musicians and artists have eclectic personalities and temperaments i really thought i was unique and special and my ego was the size of the titanic i lived a crazy life although i was a teacher ,, i had fun,,, i had a life of good things as an adult i would run out and do a jacknife in my pool and sit out in the sun i endulged myself plenty fancy bbq friends over steaks on the grill never thought i was so different ,,, and like many many years of good stuff with neighbors my next door neighbor was good to me so was several of my neighbors over the years ,, i was a loving person i washed my sports car loaned my tools let parents come over if they wanted the kids to swim in my massive resort style pool, on and on ,, what was hard was some relationships with other artisic people intimately was a huge disaster ,, love addiction the ole marilyn monroe syndrome i had key word had what it took and my ego was massive i got what i wanted in many areas i have been a victim of a crime i was a cancer survivor those things come to mind when i think of the things that started hitting me hard and leaving teaching , i am an addict i have learned to look at all this big shot living,,, now it did have something to do with my upbringing of poverty and abuse i had to show everybody who i was that i made it and i was exceptional as a teacher got numerous awards but always showboated a 12 step humbled me after the assault i started going but fired the first sponsor a gay man who was kind and giving but controlling he was right about many things ,, but when i went to theGLBT group i still could not overcome the rape ,, rape is a huge crime and everyone deals differently , i refused to say because i had a few drinks i got raped,, h no then every woman who has a drink and gets raped is a liar he,,, no but facing that my behavior that night put me in harms way i has taken a long time , i do not want to be a victim of cancer i do not want to be a victim of rape ,, in order to remove the victim i put the full shame and guilt on the rpedator,,, but to heal and love myself again i need to admit that anyone who is vulnerable is more at risk to be a true victim of crime, being vulneable ,, i am fully guilty i wont own the rapist guilt he needs to be in jail,, so many get away with it even marital rape which my sister was a victim of , but the idiot raped a prostitute and his A went to jail for twenty years i am stuck ,, on the injustice of the rape more than anything , i am angry at myself,, so many women underreport and dont report,, i was raped i am angry at many for this i was failed,, and i failed myself this is at the core of the pain the losses i came here with and forced me to look at my past but i do not want to live in my past but understand how it helped get me here , just like in AA i take a searching moral inventory and i see things in me that i can change to make myself less likely to be a victim of a crime and yes there is GLBT component , it is a fact that minority groups are targeted for bullying hate crimes etc , i will never be the same after these life changing events ,,,, but i had many many good things in life too i do not live the life of a freewheeling musician with a party house and live openly and freely anymore i am guarded and keep my doors locked my suspicions are up , i do not freely talk or even hate my own kind sometimes due to my own homophobia ,,, i am a work in progress my goal is to keep coming on here keep looking at my own behavior ie blaming myself for the rape or any other thing i can hate myself for accepting self hate for being GLBT and i am not bi but i am definitely bordering on transgender , talk about being hated,, i cannot come out so i continue to keep that closeted and will do so until i am dead i do not want to incite rage and end up murdered thank God i am in a female body i can hide this is one of my secrets i live with i do not wear male clothing i am playing the part of a mid age quiet person going about my business and i do not tell my business ,, i am not the real me but safety is much more important ,, recovery is hard and many times hopeless i hope i am welcome here i have come to be fond of all of you, i need to be accepted for all of me and this is my only safe place , thanks from a retired eclectc multifaceted human with frailties addictions and ptsd , hmmm but also a good soul generally when i am accepted thank God for the love my students gave me they always made me shine and that i hold onto it keeps me here on the planet working on being a better person and not hating those who have scorned and hated me for being different,
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