Hugs I am so sorry you are down. It is hard to get out of the rut when you are in it and bed is the only place you want to be. My gran was also "my relative" and I don't think I will ever get over it. It sounds to me like you need to give yourself permission to be ok with the fact you let her go, am I anywhere close to right? If that is so then please please love yourself enough to know you did the right thing. It had to have been very traumatic for you and it might have compounded things plus all the anger is corrosive. I am so sorry you are having such a hard time right now. Anniversaries are the worse. I spent my sister's in bed too. Practically, if you have a huge list of things you really have to do then why not split them up into bite sized pieces that you can do in 15 min blocks? Having a time limit may help with the paralysis are you will not be facing such a huge mountain.
Hugs

Hi Daisy,

First of all

I think anger affects PTSD more than the sorrow of someone passing. I suffered a long time after my sister passed... Not because she passed so much, as because a week or so before she died, my dad set up a fake "family reunion" so everyone would have a chance to say goodbye. She had to ride half an hour to get to it, and they had to stop more than once so she could throw up, she was so sick. Then everyone wanted to take pictures with her, and she tried to smile for them, but it hurt her so bad she clutched her abdomen the whole time. I was soo mad that they put her through all of that so they could feel they met their obligation to see her before she passed!

What helped me was turning the anniversary of her passing into a more positive memory. She and I used to love to go hiking, so I used to go for a long walk in the woods on her anniversary, feeling her presence with me and telling her everything that has gone on in the last year, as if we were getting together like we used to. Sometimes I'd take something (biodegradeable) into the woods and place it in a really pretty place as a tribute to her. I always felt better afterward.

Is there something you could do that would remind you of happy times with your Grandma?

Blessings to you and to her,
Wistala

Not being listened to can be traumatic in a situation where a person is vulnerable. It can be the same as if they said you do not exist, or you are worthless. If I'm vulnerable, hearing a message like that is terrifying.

Wistala- We did the same thing before my Grandma died...we had Thanksgiving dinner early at my other Aunt's house, b/c supposedly Grandma couldn't stand the smell of food cooking...BS, my Aunt just didn't want to cook or clean.

But, that's where her last pic was taken. I didn't really realize how emaciated she was...and to look at a pic taken of her a year prior to her death, it was startling.

She died shortly after that dinner reunion.

I usually make a pretty flower arrangement to place on her headstone. I make it out of her favorite colored flowers...PINK...and of course lots of Daisies from me.

I will usually bring another angel or something else, a hummingbird to decorate her gravesite with, and I clean around her headstone. Then I sit and talk with her and my Grandpa.

Woodlandpath...it was traumatic I guess for me to not be heard. I felt like they still saw me as a little girl, instead of a grown young woman, with a professional degree that has the ability to code someone...shock someone back to life.

Ya know what, I still feel like that little girl...not fully grown up...b/c I feel like no one is listening to me and believes what I say...and discounts me and my feelings and behaviors.

Solongago...I read your entry earlier today, just hadn't responded yet, but I mustered some energy and worked on my SSD tonight. They shut the system down at 1am...so not done yet...tomorrow.

Thanks everyone...reminds me to cherish my Grandma...Just still holding on to the anger of not being listened to...and that torks me off.

im so sorry you are feeling so down at the moment. you are a wonderful strength to so many people here on DS. i hope that we can be strength for you when you need it to. you are in my thoughts and prayers. i know you already know this but there only one way out of what we are in and that is to go through it. i have no doubt that God has some amazing plan for you in the future that includes helping people who are in that same situation that you are in now. you are an amazing strong woman of God! i pray that peace comes your way today. lots of love and blessings to you xo

Anniversaries can be really difficult. I find that getting in touch with my anger and finding a healthy way to release it can be really energizing. As one of my therapist said, depression is anger turned inward.

We need to live in the same place. I have a Cal King bed. We'll all fit, Kaleigh, my two, you and I, maybe even your kids. We'll commiserate together. :)