He's been out of the office for two weeks. My worst two weeks every year. Christmas and New Years. I felt abandoned. I really needed him. I spent the entire time between my last visit and this visit in my closet. Literally only came out for bathroom breaks and refill my water pitcher. Did not eat, bathe...nothing. I cried and beat myself up about being so alone and not having a support system. I could not find the strength to talk to him about it. All the flashbacks, memories, nightmares and anxiety. I felt if I went there I would yell at him and that's not acceptable. I wouldn't mind so much if it was just this year but it's every year for five years. I still feel like I have the burden of the world on my shoulders. I won't exist like this anymore. It's been so painful for eight years I've had it. It hasn't gotten any better no matter how I've tried. TW...TW I have a ton of guilt because I have taken lives. I hurt people in the most sensitive way. I can't forgive myself and have tried telling myself that it's not my fault because I was forced. I can't buy into that because I should've refused and had my life taken. Ijust can't live with the guilt anymore.
My dr just upped my med and changed the time of day I take it. Does everyone get worse before they get better when making changes? Don't know how long to give it.