I was diagnosed in Sept with Prostate Cancer. The PSA count was 7 which was cosidered serious. Having a 50/50 chance that I would not survive my surgery (heart) I had to face my own mortality. I feel cheated. I started have outburts of anger. My body was feeling violated again. I was dieing and never have really lived. I survived the surgery but started obsessing about what was happening to me. Every code blue could be me. 10 days after my surgery they busted a blood vessel in my bladder removing the catheter. I was hemoraging into my bladder requiring a second life saving surgery. My bladder was coming out of my abdomen. My ptsd was raging and spinning out of control by now. The smell of the hospital had me physically ill. I had tubes coming out of my stomach and other parts of my body and the idea of more personal injury had me as frantic as I have ever been since my diagnosis. The additional tubes didn't come out for almost 8 weeks after the first catastrophy. Flashbacks and nightmares dominate my recovery. I can not avoid triggers that are so close to the real thing. My childhood was dominated by broken bones and hospital stays for other violations. More drugs always seem to help a little. Time seems to be helping some. I wish I could move on. I am cancer free but I can only feel violated.
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