Hi all! I entered a Residential treatment facility three months ago. When I got accepted and invited to come I thought it was an answer to prayer. I'm second guessing myself now. The place that I'm at shouldn't even be called a residential treatment facility, but that is what the name says. There are 6 other residents, total 7, in house. Right now there are only six of us. When I arrived they went through all my belongings and took stuff that I wasn't allowed in my room. Which is really no big deal I'm used to that. What is really bothering me is how slowly things are moving for me. It is a four stage program. The first stage is no more than 60days and it is called the assesment stage. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I came into this other world that I didn't know existed and had to drop everything that I believed about myself to be true, and about my world to be true. And accept what these people are telling me to be truth. I've gone on a deep, which seems like, endless battle to find out what the truth really is. It is a christian based program. I love that my faith is involved in my therapy. I don't seem to be getting therapy though. Everyone is assigned an advocate when they first arrive and they meet with their advocate once a week and a therapist who is a volunteer once a week, if the therapist decides to show up. There have been several weeks where she hasn't come and times when the therapist isn't around for awhile. I've been told that this is normal and I shouldn't have a problem with it. I have a big problem with it because at home I was seeing a therapist two to three times a week. Seeing a therapist about once a month, maybe twice if I'm lucky just isn't working. I have complex PTSD. I have been through many horrible things that no one should have to go through. I've never been in treatment this long and feel like I should at least have some results if just a little bit, of what I'm working on. I've learned a lot of life skills and a lot about theology that I didn't know, But the PTSD symptoms seem to be rearing there ugly head more than I can handle on my own. I try to explain it to staff especially my advocate, but I feel they just don't understand. I'm having long periods of dissociation and harsh flashbacks. There has been complaints by staff and other residents that I'm not doing my fair share around the house. I'm really trying to, but these times that I'm "out" of it in a dissociated state I honestly don't know what I do or don't do because I'm unaware of it. The only thing I'm aware of is that time seems to be missing out of my day. I have finally come to a point where I feel safe enough to trust certain staff with some big traumatic issues. It has been told to me that they think I've been regressing because of the behaviors that present when processing trauma by myself. I have known for a long long long time that I can not process through any of my "shit" alone. But the further I get into this program, the more I'm worried that I'm just making things worse instead of better. The things that I was promised when I was applying have not been fulfilled and I'm afraid I'm wasted a lot of time and a lot of money on nothing. The program itself is free, but my medications are expensive, as well as trips to the psychiatrist, and having to pay a storage fee and a break of lease fee to move three states east for this program. My biggest issue is connecting with my family. I'm only allowed 45min of phone time a week and only two days a week at the library to use the computer. We aren't supposed to use facebook or check mail. I feel so disconnected from the world that I have spent my whole life trying to figure out. My family has been so dramatic and I've thrived on the waves of drama that goes through my family. I'm seperated from my toxic family now and it's really hard. I'm not allowed to go home over Christmas break because they fear that I will deteriate too much over the two weeks that the house is closed over the holidays. I am just unsure and worry that I've made the wrong decision to sacrafice my life, even if it was extremley non functional, to come out here and completey change my life. It is not what I was thinking it was and I don't feel I'm getting the help that I need. I have been suffering with sucidial ideations for over a week now and there has been little to no intervention on the behalf of the staff. They have been in operations for over 8 years now and I would think that they would understand a lot more than what it seems they do. I'm just complaining, but if you all have any ideas on how I can cope and get through this time I would appriciate it. Sorry for the long entry.
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