I saw my therapist today. I had previously discussed with her that I don't think I'm ready for any kind of relationships other than friendships. I told her that I don't want to keep making the same mistakes of my past.
We talked about my past relationships with men more in depth and how I accepted so little from them. I'd wait around for them, hoping to commit to me, but they wouldn't and then they would move on to commit to someone else.
I've had short committed relationships with guys (4-6 months) and I've ended those. Those were ended for good reasons though. But I accepted so much less from others.
I hung on for an a year and a half to a guy who wouldn't call me his girlfriend. And I accepted similar behavior from other men, just not that long.
My therapist asked me an interesting question. What made you stay with the guys that didn't respect you versus the guys that you were in a committed relationship with?
I thought about that for a moment and I realized I was waiting for the non relationship guys to fill the void. Because as soon as they gave me the girlfriend title, I'd finally be whole. I would have worth in this world.
After that year and a half quasi relationship, I slipped twice into similar situations with men but they were very short-lived and I ultimately parted ways with both of them. Since then, I've only either had relationships with commitment or one night stands. I don't do any friends with benefits stuff anymore. That's what I felt like before. I felt like a placeholder, like I said in a previous post.
I told her that it seems that I am able to develop and keep amazing friendships but when I comes to romantic ones, there is a block there. I have had friendships for years, over a decade with some of them. And I make new friends fairly quickly.
But when it comes to romantic relationships, it's like I never moved past 16 years old. I used to feel like I was stuck emotionally at 16 all the time. Ive made a lot of progress in that regard. Even my therapist has noticed that about me.
She explained that because my feelings of self worth and self compassion are so recent, it's like I'm in the toddler phase for some things. I guess romantic relationships is included in that. I feel much more secure as a person then I have probably in my entire life. Despite the hell that my body is putting me through. I feel more like a whole person. Just not in romance.
I met a guy recently had a meet up and found him attractive. I talked with him at the first one that I met him at. As we spoke, I could feel my anxiety in simply talking to him.
I saw him at another meet up but it was a big group playing board games so we didn't exchange too many words. But again, I felt that anxiety again. My therapist asked me what about that situation made me anxious. I said it was the fear of being used for nothing but sex again. That he'll be like all the rest and say "I'm not looking for relationship."
I won't accept that. Never again. I'm not gonna lie though. I'm still going to have one night stands with people that I won't see you again. And I still want to go to adult themed parties to satisfy some of those urges. A girl has needs after all.
But I will never ever ever be in a friends with benefits type of arrangement again. I'm OK with seeing somebody for a night and never seeing them again. And I'm OK with having a future relationship when I'm ready. But when it comes to friends with benefits or anything like that, I'm out.
i've made so much emotional progress in so many different areas. But I know I have more work to do. As I said in the other post, I've taken up meditation. I've been doing it daily, even it's for only a few minutes at a time. I'm still going through a book on meditation and doing the exercises as I go. And as I previously stated in another post, I have a 14 day self compassion workbook that I'm also going to start after I get through the meditation one. I feel like both of those will help a lot. I feel like my therapist and I need to dig into where the void is coming from and how to overcome it.
Truthfully, I know where it comes from. My father. My uncle. Two of the most important men in my life that abandoned me and one that abused me psychologically. The only two good men that were consistently in my life were my grandfathers. One died when I was 11 and the last one (who I adored most) died when I was 16.
I don't know how to fix this part of myself. I don't know how to fill that void at this point in time. I'm still trying to figure it out.
Take this quiz to find out. : )https://www.buzzfeed.com/cdeldrago/pick-some-aesthetic-images-and-well-tell-you-what-bb2lvz3gjx(Note: When copying and pasting your answer to your post, don't include the emojis. If you do, your post will appear blank.)
I made some black bean soup. I used 2 cans of black beans, some chopped yellow onion, some garlic powder, some onion powder, some adobo seasoning, 3 large chicken bouillion cubes, 8 cups of water, and 2 Irish potatoes. I cooked everything in a pot on the stove until the potatoes were very tender and the onions. Then I took it off the heat and let it cool down a little bit.I used a laddle and put...