My friend was just evicted from our apartment building. She's using my van to live in right now because she has nowhere else to go. And I'm not really using it anyway. We've been working together with fixing the repairs it needs and she also helped me out today because I had vertigo and needed to pick up medicine from the store and she took me. We also went to my mechanic and thankfully the bill was not bad at all. Which is unusual because it's always three times higher than I want it to be. She paid for the repairs but I was afraid it was gonna be too costly. Thankfully I was wrong.
My friend is very chatty. She's also unique and often you can tell she has mental health struggles. This is the first time I was out with her in public. I was concerned about her behavior when we got there. It's not like she was doing anything bad. She just gets excited I guess.
But I was noticing something while we were at the mechanic. I was anxious about her and that she might say something that she shouldn't. But I was also incredibly anxious waiting for the bill. She kept talking to me when I was anxious and I was realizing how tense I was. I was also tense when she was driving us back and I had a side seat driving moment. Which I apologized for because I hate that crap. My dad did that even if he didn't own the vehicle and I was just driving him somewhere.
But today made me realize I am in a constant state of tension and anxiety. It's their 24/7 but I don't notice it because it's so normal. At least my normal.
I started to pay more attention to my body and how tense my muscles were. I recognize the way I was feeling at the mechanic was a heightened moment of what I feel on a daily basis. I get anxious right before I go to work. I'm fine when I get there though. It's just leading up to it that I struggle. I get anxious before I have to go to the store. I get anxious about anything that requires me to do a lot physically because I have fibromyalgia and a lot of pain. But I am already so anxious and tense that it seems inevitable something that causes even slight tension or anxiety would get overwhelming.
Going to work for me is actually a trigger because my family made me feel like crap for not being able to work consistently over the years. I worked whenever I could and for as long as I could. But instead of support, I got made fun of, abusively yelled at for being a failure, or compared to other successful people.
i'm glad I noticed this today because this is something that I want to work on.
In addition to this, I saw my pain management doctor who thinks I should be taking a little more pain medicine than I do. Because I take such a low dose. And it's tramadol. Which is she said "one of the most benign pain medicines." And I know that's true. The pain I'm feeling is making me very anxious and contributing to my anxiety before I go to work. She suggested I try end up my dose. In fact I'm taking less than the prescription calls for.
Now that I'm aware of how anxious I am, it's seriously sucks. And it's something I want to work on. It angers me that it's something I have to work on. Because it stems from my family's treatment of me and I shouldn't have to feel this to begin with. I want to feel better though. I want to feel less anxious and more calm and peace. I want to incorporate mindfulness and meditation on a daily basis. Even if it's just a couple of minutes a day of paying attention to what's around me and letting my thoughts wander without getting attached to them.
I am thinking about putting a daily periodic reminder on my phone to check in. I was in a group therapy session and the therapist did this with a bell chime. We all stopped and took a moment to breathe. I felt a lot better every time we did that. So I'm thinking about doing something like that for myself.
I'm tired of anxiety taking over my life. And I know it heightens my pain. And it makes going to work quite difficult at times.
I am so anxious and jumpy. I dont know why. We changed the wedding to June 20th instead of April 18th. We are giving it more time, my fiance is having a hard time finding a job here but has a new lead, hes been working for my parents fixing up the rental that was destroyed by evicted tenants. They were there 6 years doubt they ever cleaned it etc left lots of damages including flooring and doors...
about muji. Please let us know you are ok