i'm a survivor of 4 decades of csa, cse, rape, torture, beatings, psychological terror, stalking & more at the hands of my abusive mother, sister, and their criminal friends. i suffered w/amnesia for 4 decades, the first 4 decades of my life. i'm only 44 years old now. i have a ton of health problems b/c of abuse, so i do a lot of pain management & physical therapy daily. what is really triggering my ptsd right now is that everyone i read about, talk to, email, online... have history w/people that they're talking to (b/c it's the holidays), or talking about on their social media/support forum accounts. i have no history w/anyone. & the people i once did, were only fellow employees. i'm disabled now, not even able to work a job outside the home. so i don't even have the distraction from my ptsd & depression of work.
i used to use work, overtime, to cope w/my abuses in the home. it was instinctive to get away from my rapists as much as possible.
i'm not in any contact w/my abusers. that was a really easy choice to make, once my brain started healing & memories started coming back. of my entire life. my only history is with my abusers & my past jobs. and even the limited good memories i have, i have no one to share them with. it's almost like i don't exist anymore now that i remember my abuse. i used to feel like i fit in. it's weird, with amnesia you still remember how you used to feel, you still remember your prior feelings during the abuse.
it's like i'm two people. & i can't find anyone like me, who had such a severe history of amnesia & abuse. i used to struggle so much with ptsd nightmares. but i journaled all of my abusive memories & saw therapists.
i don't even have any history w/any therapists or doctors. my favorite doctor moved to another state. and the last place i received therapy was "restructured" and therapists left their practice. i don't even have the health to call around and try to find my last therapist, let alone see a therapist. i'm flaring so badly from massive winter storms. my fibro is the only thing in my life that i have history with.
i just wanted friends in my city for the first (and last) time in my life. but my migraines are so bad, b/c my fibro is flaring & attacking what isn't even broken. just b/c i had pneumo last winter.
sometimes i wish pneumo, bronchitis, sinus infections, raging flu's would give me closure on my existence. b/c it's not a life, never has been.
i succeeded at reducing my ptsd nightmares. i remember everything that happened to me. but i still will never have history with anyone. b/c i suffer with severe migraines & severe illnesses.
sometimes my Autism makes me want to finish something. anything. b/c i started so many things in moments of being myself that were so rare and fleeting. but couldn't finish b/c of amnesia from more torture. i don't even know my favorites, or have any hobbies other than pain management of chronic conditions.
i just wish i had history with anyone so i could feel human. i can't stop crying so i'm going to do my physical therapy. again. alone.
in 2016 i was able to get angry at my abusers while getting the most traumatic memories back, and that was enough. the satisfaction of knowing the truth of my life, and the hard work i put into getting my memory to work. 1996-2016. so much therapy, misdiagnoses.
i just really wish i could have history with anyone. or be included in anything sane during any holiday. or just cease to exist. life sucks and then you don't die, when you're someone like me.
I don’t feel real. Nothing feels real or alive. I just don’t even know what to do for myself anymore. I feel like I can’t survive this I feel like it won’t get better.
My daughter's father and I have shared custody and I have primary placement. She is ten months old and up until this point, his effort has been half assed at best. There has been no consistency to his visits and the longest he has had her has been for a day. like 8am - 5pm. Recently he has requsted to take her for the whole weekend. I said I felt more comfortable with one night,...