It's trigger-ring and upsetting me.
Id like to see the relatives who are here from NYC and Boston to develop adult relationships with them. I've expressed this to my parents, who are the block btw me and them, and who undoubtedly have reported much bullshit @ me if anyone inquired why i want around at family gatherings, many times. They've always replied the lies either saying they will tell them and I will get to connect w the relatives (didn't happen in spring when many were here) or that the whole situation is my fault.
Also: I can't reestablish relationships without contact info which my parents have. I can't control what they tell my relatives @ why im not there, how ficked up i am etc that may discourage them from having interest in me.
I liked your suggestion though; I love it when you say trust your gut. My heart hurts in relationship to all of this. My gut feels it is unfair that I have been cut off from having a relationship with the rest of my family.