My sleep was horrible as usual. I had two very vivid nightmares. One was with my parents. My father was dying in one and by the end of the nightmare he admitted that he was lying and wasn't actually dying. I'm not sure what that was about.
And the other, I was trapped by some sort of house of horrors type family and trying to escape. But every time I escaped or came close to it, I ran into somebody that was in on it and sent me right back to the crazy family. The meaning behind that one isn't hard to figure out.
I woke up disoriented and relieved and kind of pissed off.
I was scheduled to go in for half a day at a high school later in the afternoon. After the initial disorientation, as I got my bearings again, I had a panic attack. I had to cancel going into work. I'm aggravated with myself about that.
it just seems my sleep is getting worse and worse. I wake up in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep. I always wake up at least once. It's usually between one and 3 o'clock in the morning and I can't fall asleep again. Even on days when I know I don't have to go to work the next day, I don't fall asleep again. And on days when I do have to go to work, it's just so much worse because then I start to freak out that I can't fall asleep and I won't be able to go into work because I'll panic.
I recently read that something about the brain waves in people with fibromyalgia messes up our circadian rhythm. Which makes perfect sense. Of course there's nothing in the research that explains how to deal with that other then "better sleep hygiene." Well no sh*t Sherlock. I can't help waking up at 1 o'clock in the morning that has nothing to do with "better sleep hygiene." I guess since I'm off today I'll look up more and better sleep hygiene anyway and see if there's anything I can tweak.
As far as the nightmares go, they are becoming fewer and far between but for some reason last night they were really intense. Maybe it's because it's my first day back to working after the holiday. I know there's a medication for nightmares but since I don't get them as often And they've been fewer and far between, I decided not to go on it. I take enough friggin medication as it is.
I feel like if I could just get a proper night sleep for a regular basis, or even semi regular at this point, these panic attacks wouldn't be as bad as they are. And the only time I seem you to get them is in the morning right before I need to get ready to go to work.
I need your help in understanding them and reducing them so that I could have a normal work schedule. At least as normal as possible. I've discussed them with my therapist but I think its something we need to discuss again.
When I wake up, I think about everything I have to do. Get up, get dressed, feed the dogs, feed myself, walk the dog, pack everything I need for school, wait for the bus, get picked up by the bus and dropped off, make my way through the herds of small adults in the high school, make my way to the classroom.
But when I'm in the classroom, I'm fine. It's just thinking about all of those things that I panic. And it's like I have this thought every morning, "I can't do this. I never could." It's like this deeply embedded idea that my father was always right. I'm a failure and a loser. I can't succeed at anything. And I prove it every single time I have a panic attack and can't go into work. So the panic attack forces me to not go to work which reinforces the idea that I'm a failure and a loser and can't succeed at anything.
I tried preparing everything I possibly can the night before. And there are mornings I still have panic attacks even when it is impossible to prepare anymore than I did before. I've tried melatonin and I think I had too much of a high dose because when I took it one night, the next day I was barely functional for half of it. It was 5 MG. Maybe I could try 1 MG.
Also thinking maybe I need to bump up the gabapentin and definitely take it at night every night. I take it some nights and not others. Maybe it'll work better if it's every night. I'm not sure.
There's one high school that I go to where I almost never have them those mornings. It's close by and I'm comfortable there and they know me. And the school building has an open space layout. I feel like when I go to a lot of these other schools that there are so many students packed in. And because of the prison-style layout that most of them still have, I get a little claustrophobic when all the other students are in the hall making their way to the next class.
Going to just that one school will limit my jobs during certain parts of the year, especially after holidays and in May. At the same time, I'm even more limited every time I have a panic attack about going to a different school. Even if it's a school I've been to a couple of times before.
The sheer number of students is just so overwhelming. And I really do think the layout makes a big difference on me.
But right now with the fibromyalgia pain, I'm looking at going to schools for half days. And that school doesn't have half days very often. And I thought by taking on half days, that would reduce the panic attacks, especially since most of those half days are in the afternoon. I guess I was wrong?
i'm just not sure what to do. I see the rheumatologist tomorrow and I guess I can talk to him about it. I also have to schedule a sleep study. Ill call them and do that today. I'm not sure how much it'll help but maybe I'll get some answers.
Any ideas on how to quelch these panic attacks in the morning so I can function and go to work?
Tomorrow I have to do an eight hour round trip to be seen for recurring carcinoma and then a three hour round trip the next day in a different hospital for a medical appointment for which I have been waiting a long time. My pain levels were to high added to lack of sleep to even attempt some of the drive today and my daughter is annoyed with me because I got my days mixed up and she kept tonight...