So it is 5:16 AM....no idea how much sleep i got,but it was broken,and full of dreams i did not want..as usual i woke up at around 3 AM,unable to go back to sleep.showered around 4:30,tried to go back to sleep,but could only sob and sob.
so,i'm sorry,this post is being written upon the remnents of tears,hysterical tears,frustrated tears...today i will beg my doctor/therpaist to go back on chlorpormazine...i don't care that it stopped working for my OCD,it has now been 8 months since i've been able to sleep through the night,and,yes,i have tried everything,and i so desperately want and need some rest,forgive me for repeating myself from another post,but this lack of sleep is amplifying everything,making everything i am trying to cope with so much harder,so i'd rather take the madness of ocd over the madness of sleep deprivation right now...and,see? doesn't that sound like the illogical logic of someone who needs sleep?
anyway....last night i was thinking to myself that,as a child,as an adolescent,with all i went through,even through my bewilderment,i seemed to possess this incredible resiliency..this incredible strength.
i have no idea where that girl disappeared to,because once i grew up,and even with all the therapy i have had,with any....how to put it...upset,with any shock,with anything that happens to me i have,or feel i have no control over,i fall apart.and i am a grown up.i comprehend things i never used to.i should be able to cope with anything that comes my way with strength and grace.
but i can't.
and,it always seems like i have always done whatever anyone has told me,while losing myself without even realizing it,and it has only ever led to my being abused or abandoned.
so,i'd really like to talk to that girl from back then,but i feel like she would lower her head in shame,that she tried really hard to help me grow up,teach me how to cope with being hurt,and i never did,i only went backwards.
and so now i am ashamed.
a good thing i am seeing my therapist today.but so much to "cover",while i keep looking over my shoulder at the clock.like i don't even deserve to be there at all.
I have had about 30 jobs in the last 10 years (Not exaggerating). I have a degree in IT, and I have had a really tough time staying at a job. When a tough call comes in, or an issue I cannot figure out, I tend to be really hard on myself. Telling myself that I am dumb, don't ask for help because you should know how to do this, and that I am not smart enough for this career field. What happens is...
There are more people here today. I'm feeling guilty bc last night was harder than I let on when I was asked but I was honest enough to say that today being here is the best I can do. There are 6 women in this group. Not sure why that feels like so much. I'm nervous to be a wreck again today and I just want to fast forward to the weekend so I can rest. But I'm also terrified for the weekend bc I...