I think I've lost my soul. I have no hope, no desires, no wants, no dreams. I've been naive my entire life and this experience has opened my eyes to see how corrupt and cruel the world actually is.
If you're being sexually assaulted or harassed my advice would be to keep it to yourself. Reporting it has destroyed my entire life, every aspect, stole 6 years from me and I still have 5-10 years before there is any resolution.
The insurance companies that are supposed to provide assistance when you can't work have told me that I wasnt assaulted because there were no witnesses. And all I need are the right medications and ill be fine. My employer is so manipulative- the games, the gaslighting from them is actually where the real trauma has come from.
There are so many organizations out there that are setup to help but all they do is bog you down with bureaucratic processes and you're constantly having to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that you're sick. I am in constant survival mode. Living pay cheque to pay cheque. The insurance company picking at everything I do...looking for a way to cut me off. I was going to go back to work to get away from these games but it's trading one devil for another.
I always wondered why has there been so much push for mental health awareness when companies arent actually doing anything to improve the mental health in the workplace. But now I get it. It's for the insurance companies. If you previously sought help for mental illness you are DQ bc of a pre existing condition. Or they take a random number out of the sky and determine how much your pre existing condition is affecting you now...10%..20%..and they reduce your payments by that much.
There are a few elite people running societies and they put us in this rat race with a false sense of security. Until you actually have to use these systems and realize how messed up they are. We are too busy struggling to see what's really going on. Who calls workplace violence interpersonal conflict. And as a society we just let this happen. All these women who have come forward in the me too movement their lives have been destroyed. And everyone is to busy struggling in their own lives to do anything about these injustices.
Women's and girls workshops have popped up everywhere. But we have it all wrong. We are teaching our girls to survive in a dangerous world. When we should actually be eliminating the dangers. Our society raises most of our boys to be misogynists. Most of the time it's very subtle. Instead of trying to raise stronger girls and developing workshops we need to raise better boys and have workshops for them.
I've followed all the rules but it's just made things worse. I'm a mosquito to my employer. I'll never change their mind. They will continue to fire the victims and allow sexual predators to roam the halls. I wasnt the first and I'm not last.
I dont think my heart and soul were made for this cruel world. I feel like my soul has died. There is no point to anything. Now that I see the world for what it is I have no hope, no joy. I feel nothing but sadness. It's a sinking ship with no where to go but down with the ship.
There is nothing that I could ever want for again except a time machine...what I would give up to go back and keep this to myself.
My world is shattered. There are just too many pieces to pick up.
I am up shaking right now from bad nightmares of when i was raped. I am not normally getting them because of the prazosin but just shaking right now and all upset and scared and panicky. I texted a friend but i have a hard time calling people especially during the night. Just hitting 4am here she gets up by 5 everyday so just gotta make it till then if she doenst wake up before. I ihate this i...
I don’t feel real. Nothing feels real or alive. I just don’t even know what to do for myself anymore. I feel like I can’t survive this I feel like it won’t get better.