And it involves my 'mother' a hairbrush and physical and sexual violence. That's all the details I'm sharing because I don't want to trigger anyone else with this stuff. I was maybe 2/3 years old when this happened. My mind had been repressing this memory for approx 45 years. Because my mind knew I wouldn't be to handle it til now. Since drinking less and less alcohol more and more memories are coming to light. I'd always known my 'mother' didn't treat me very well when I was a baby and toddler but not to the extent these new memories are showing me. Its horrific what she did to me. How could a 'mother' rape their own baby girl? I know intellectually she was extremely disturbed and psychotic and sick and had most definitely been sexually abused as a kid herself hence her fiddling my brothers but til now I didn't know she had fiddled me too. I know why I blocked it out of my head now. I was fucking terrified. And bloody ashamed. Yes even a kid of 2/3 years old knows being fiddled is wrong. Sadly the kid that age (or indeed any age) gets the message that there is something wrong with themselves, not the person violating them. I can hear all the nasty things my 'mother' was screaming at me as she hurt me too. Bad evil wicked dirty horrible child. I hate you I wish I'd never had you. And in the memory she is screaming but also grinning her head off. She was getting a perverse and sadistic pleasure out of abusing me. Ah now I remember what set her off. I was toilet training. I had either poo-ed myself or wet myself. Because I couldn't get to my potty quick enough. Oh sweet Jesus. Its a miracle she didn't kill me or damage me so badly internally that I couldn't have kids myself. I was always wetting myself after that during the day as well as my bed at night. Right up til I was 11 years old. I suppose that's extreme fear for you.
And I never knew why I always had such intense fear all the time that I couldn't figure out where it was coming from. But if I look back over my life I can trace it all back to my 'mother'. I never once felt safe around her and now I know why. Never received any warmth or genuine affection from her, except when she was drunk in front of other people for example at a birthday holiday wedding or christening. And I didn't like her doing it because I sensed it wasn't real it was just an 'act' for other people's benefit. The rest of the time I felt like the invisible girl because she mostly ignored me. We only did things together as mum and daughter when it suited her, for example going shopping up the West End of London or the theatre. But I lapped those times up because she would try to be nice to me but would always end up snapping at me because she had no patience or tolerance towards me. And my mum had such unrealistically high expectations of me too. I was expected to pass all my exams and be the first person in our family to go to university for a degree. In spite of what my brothers had been doing to me for years and herself I now realise. But I couldn't do it was too disturbed and sick to complete my exams which would have got me to uni and escape the horror of my family. My 'mother' was furious about it she told me she wouldnt ever forgive me for letting her and the family down so badly!!!! The woman was insane!!!!! She told me she was ashamed of me I was an embarrassment. Showing her up and the family making us look bad in the neighborhood. Because I was out of control at 14 and a half. She threatened to put me into care if I didn't sort myself out. She even got my headmistress at secondary school to give me a lecture about my wild ways. This was after I had punched my mum in the face because she wouldn't let me go to youth club one night even though there was no reason why I couldn't go as I had done all my homework and chores. And running away. No bloody wonder I went off the rails with an evil cow of a 'mother' like that. After I punched her when my dad got home that night from work my mum got him to give me a beating in the street in front of all the neighbours. She is standing on the front door step grinning as my dad gives me the hiding if my life. I ran away a couple of months later. Following my older brother and his best mate gang raping me upstairs in our house while our mum was downstairs watching telly. She even turned the volume up on the telly so she couldn't hear the noise I was making. Then my eldest brother caught me fooling about in the local park with a boy I liked. He beat me up in front of this boy and frog mar he'd me home to do pile of ironing I was treated like a servant punchbag blowup sex doll and emotional garbage can. So I ran away. But got caught and returned to my family after my mum made me lie to the cops about why I'd run away. Bloody hell. Took another 7 years to get away from home for good. And another 20 years before I kissed my mum and brothers off totally and cut them out of my life. And 45 odd years to understand none of it was my fault. And I've no need to be frightened ever again. Because I've already lived through and survived some of the worst of mans inhumanity to man. And its highly unlikely to ever happen to me again now I've faced it.
And I think this is just the start of more flashbacks and memories bubbling up from my subconscious. A wise person on this board said to me a few weeks ago that the wound has been lanced now and its in my best interests to stay with the process as it unfolds and not shy away now as by doing that I will be making myself worse in the long run. So that's what I've been doing but its been a bit bloody hairy at times. I've spent the last two weeks drinking a fair bit but not as much as I would before given what time of year it is ( two major losses in the space of 6 days 16 years ago and Mothering Sunday and my dad's birthday coming up in a couple of weeks too). So I guess that progress over perfection is the name of the game. The trouble with the drinking is I always drink when my horrible feelings reach overload. But I am learning to sit with my horrible feelings as long as I can possibly manage and actually feel them before I reach for my 'medicine'. So I'm not using alcohol to deaden feelings now just to make them a bit more manageable. And I can go 5/6 days between drinking sessions now. Managed 11 days before but I'm just taking it day by day now. And not punishing myself when I slip. I don't know if I will ever manage to give up booze entirely but I have reduced my intake considerably and don't feel I'm abusing it anymore to run away from and deny my own truth. I will have to be vigilant so it doesn't get out of hand again though and I start abusing it for the wrong reasons again. Mindfulness and balance are the key words for me here. But I do feel I've turned a corner with it now. Praying it's for good now and I won't slip back into old patterns of self destruction and ignorance of my issues.
Strangely even had this new memory I'm coping OK with it. It hasn't completely floored me like other memories previously did. I think its because I now have the ability to observe it from a detached place emotionally with an adult perspective and a lot of sympathy and understanding for both the innocent child I was and my deranged sick 'mother'. The woman really did not have a clue about what she was doing to me, she was off her bloody rocker and not in control of herself. I'm not excusing her but I get it now, if she hadn't been sick in the head she wouldn't have hurt me. Her hurting me made me sick in the head too. But I am not my mother. I will nitmdeny having hurt or let down my own kids like she has. And continues to do to this day. No I'm a bit more grown up than my 'mother' and therefore more willing and able to take responsibility for the mistakes I've made with my own kids. I'm currently estranged from both my adult kids and I don't know if that will change in the future but remain hopeful with one of them (my eldest, my son) at least. But it may just be that they are like me as I was with my own mum for years- not understanding why I hurt them or my mental illness and not forgiving of it and not trusting me not to do it again. Or giving me a chance to make amends. Perhaps like I did with my own mum they think I've done too much wrong to be forgiven for and that I can never make it up to them how I was in the grip of my mental illness. If so I may have lost both my adult kids forever. I guess only time will tell. In the meantime I'm going to work bloody hard on myself and try to practice patience. I'm a typical Aries I want everything to be OK again like yesterday. Lol. But life and other people don't work like that.
Apologies for the essay. Thanks for reading if you got this far. I hope I've broken it down into enough paragraphs for those among us that are visually or neurologically challenged :)
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