Hello everyone. I finally decided it was time to talk about and begin the healing process. So I'll put my pride aside.
2017 was a hear from hell for me and I have yet to recover. 10 minutes into the new year, one of my closest friends killed himself. The sound still haunts me. And it didn't stop there. We were forced into handling everything, from the house, the bio team, the funeral, division of assets. As if experiencing it first hand wasn't enough, we now have to keep our house locked constantly due to family members that feel slighted and think we have things we don't have just BC we handled the estate.
I have vivid dreams (both nightmares or very meaningful) of him, have flashbacks of the day, and avoid guns, the gun range at my job, and talking about him in general. But I think of him daily and its been over a year.
To top it off, I had to put my 10 yr old son in inpatient care at a psychiatric hospital a few months later. For a few years, my son had been having insane uncontrollable fits, would be physically aggressive, the works. He also has aspergers so it was hard enough with handling social cues as it was. It finally got so bad, his doctors said inpatient care was the only option. I did not handle this well (as if any parent would). He ended up getting worse while in treatment where I had to forcibly take him out. I tried to get an attorney for malpractice but nobody wanted to go against a big hospital no matter how my son was handled. The whole experience haunts me. Thankfully, miracles happened and we were able to get the right doctor and treatment and he now lives a happy normal life. Just not me. I love my son to the moon and back but since this experience, I have unintentionally distanced myself from him. There are moments he will make quick movements and I'll flinch and he looks at me like I'm nuts. I also don't do well with physical affection. He goes to hug me or kiss me on the cheek and I cringe. He doesnt know I do but I can't understand why. Just writing that made me feel like a terrible person.
I now isolate myself and just stopped enjoying life.
So here I am, a year later and I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know how to start the healing process. Therapy never worked for issues in the past so I'm always skeptical it will help now. So Im lost.
The day I got my passport, I left my place a 5;30am. My 84 year old father said he would join me, it was really kind as that is very early for an older person. He was my guarantor on my passport so if there were any questions at least he would be there. It was great to have him as we arrived at 8:00am and they said we could come back at 1:00pm to pick it up. It was a provincial holiday so...
Although I am a US Marine Vet as well as a former law enforcement officer, my PTSD torture did not start there.Beginning at the age of 5 or younger, I was sexually molested and ritually abused by a much older neighbor. I honestly can't tell you how long this lasted. I believe I have blocked lots of the memories out of my mind. I have lots of flashbacks that will turn my stomach.Like most male...