Hello everyone. I finally decided it was time to talk about and begin the healing process. So I'll put my pride aside.
2017 was a hear from hell for me and I have yet to recover. 10 minutes into the new year, one of my closest friends killed himself. The sound still haunts me. And it didn't stop there. We were forced into handling everything, from the house, the bio team, the funeral, division of assets. As if experiencing it first hand wasn't enough, we now have to keep our house locked constantly due to family members that feel slighted and think we have things we don't have just BC we handled the estate.
I have vivid dreams (both nightmares or very meaningful) of him, have flashbacks of the day, and avoid guns, the gun range at my job, and talking about him in general. But I think of him daily and its been over a year.
To top it off, I had to put my 10 yr old son in inpatient care at a psychiatric hospital a few months later. For a few years, my son had been having insane uncontrollable fits, would be physically aggressive, the works. He also has aspergers so it was hard enough with handling social cues as it was. It finally got so bad, his doctors said inpatient care was the only option. I did not handle this well (as if any parent would). He ended up getting worse while in treatment where I had to forcibly take him out. I tried to get an attorney for malpractice but nobody wanted to go against a big hospital no matter how my son was handled. The whole experience haunts me. Thankfully, miracles happened and we were able to get the right doctor and treatment and he now lives a happy normal life. Just not me. I love my son to the moon and back but since this experience, I have unintentionally distanced myself from him. There are moments he will make quick movements and I'll flinch and he looks at me like I'm nuts. I also don't do well with physical affection. He goes to hug me or kiss me on the cheek and I cringe. He doesnt know I do but I can't understand why. Just writing that made me feel like a terrible person.
I now isolate myself and just stopped enjoying life.
So here I am, a year later and I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know how to start the healing process. Therapy never worked for issues in the past so I'm always skeptical it will help now. So Im lost.
Well I am approaching the 24 hour mark of my new medication regiment. Its gonna take time to kick in, God knows Ive had more SSRIs than I know what to do with but Im staying confident or trying to. What I did want to post is my sleeping meds gave me 7-8 hours nonstop sleep. Im sooooo thrilled. Woke up and was like kick ass. I want more of this
Helllo. I started a new medication which is the probablly the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am never dibilitatingly depressed or happy but still seem like I can function emotionally and normally. It actually feels great for a change. Don't miss the other stuff but having trouble processing normal emotion if that makes any sense. I actually feel better and am...