I had a very hard weekend last weekend and i kinda knew depression was coming back before then but last Sat and Sun were the worst and confirmed it and each day has been worse, monday i cut after 3 1/2 plus years without. I hate myself right now i am so miserable. I feel like i let everyone down by letting the depression win and come back. My Fiance had to work Tuesday but made sure i called my shrink while he was gone. i got 7 called from different people at mental health that day and a zoom visit with my shrink same day. Now i am having withdraws bad going off rexulti were doing it slow but i was on the highest dose for about 3 years, now im having even WORSE anxiety they i already was having, he can not increase my klonopin to more then teh 1 mg ODT twice a day because im also on norco 3 tiems a day and lyrica twice a day higher dose and im on lomotil for IBSD flares and i am big time red flagged. He did add vysteril.
I am going on a new med he said its the second newest one out there, Vraylar. I researched it because my mom just started it and asked him about it and that rreally impressed him that i did that and he was glad i had a med i wanted to try so that hes not just telling me med names that i know nothing about. And it has less side effects and is somewhat related to rexulti. I am staying on my klonopin, remeron and trintellix still and for now the vysteril. I ended up taking a 3 hour nap yesterday, i am not really suppose to because i will sleep a lot with depression but my fiance said he just left me becuase the anxietys been so bad and nightmares and i was sleeping veyr peacefully. He said i deserved a break in the anxiety and depression for a bit and i had done something very hard on me, i went and got my fasting blood work (now wish i hadnt my labs are not good ) and then went into the grocery store my friend could not go in the hopsital with me but she went in the groceyr store iwth me nad the other two places she wnet in and i stayed in the car. I can not be exposed much with the covid around between my lungs and health which is not good and dad doing chemo for lung cancer. My Fiance is not working until he knows if his boss has covid, he worked with his boss tuesday all day then tuesday night his boss was exposed, Matt had weds and thrsuday off so he has not been by him since we will know today if he got it. praying he doenst hes a really good guy! And we need Matt working it helps a lot money wise!
My Vitamin D is low again and im on 50,000 of D2 prescritpion dose twice a week, my triglicerides went fro 192 (used to be 650 its hereditary kind not from food) to 315 in 1 1/2 months when i had to stop prescription fish oil due to severe bloody noses. the rest of my cholesterol is great except my good cholesterol is slightly low as always becasue i cant really exercise iwht my pain conditions. my white count is up which we have to watch i had a mild rare blodo cancer years ago but its been gone for about 5 years now. and my A1C jumped from 7.4 to 8 which really upsets me i messed up again not keeping it controlled when dad first got sick in may. I need it down to the 6's. But i am on 5 shots a day so that says right there its hard to control diabetes. Just feel like crap right now and i feel worthless and like im just a screw up :( I also am purging again my fiance is keeping very close tabs on me right now and when he has worked or been gone since all this started i promise him i wont cut etc for that long and so far can keep that.
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