Have you interacted w/ Your GF when she is around this other person?

Her behavior as a lover in front of the friend should take care of the threat. that is one idea.

Since as a child you were exposed to deception, your sisters moves in terms of parents, we understand that people can be two faced and deceptive not only to others but themselves.

I would ask if your GF meets your needs? I don't mean all of them but the most crucial and significant needs.

Also it is feels awful to think that someone else is meeting our partners needs on a level of intimacy that is supposed to be just for the primary partner.

so the question is...does she know what she is really doing with the other friend...is it totally innocent and if so, what did she do to help you understand this???

As a partner she should be willing to go the mile to get the truth across to you and if that means revealing her affection s to you in front of the friend...then do it.

You have a sticky situation. Part of what you feel is true but part might be over the top. Even though you are triggered that doesn't necessarily mean that your concerns should be over looked.

Ask her what she is willing to do to help you with this. Then explain what you would like her to do in order to demystify the situation.

Last but not least...it could be possible that you are reenacting the childhood scenario which in fact will not solve the problem in fact it will produce the problem. Our history causes us to actually draw folks that will help us recreate the original scenario.

Take Care

thank you pageo! it is so helpful to hear these supportive words... they continue to ground me when my emotions want to get the best of me...

everyone, please know your insights are very welcome!

i had originally avoided being around them. partly bc when my g/f is around others i get triggered feeling not important... she tends to try to make sure everyone is feeling comfortable and i have a hard time feeling that we're a couple. no way was i going to put myself in that situation with this woman... so her behavior as my lover in public has become unpleasant for me. to the point where now i won't be in public w her when other people we know are around...

one of the most crucial needs i've had with her that has been a problem has been needing compassion from her. needing to feel heard. sadly, and just as intimacy dynamics work... i believe that the things i needed compassion on were the very topics she couldn't or doesn't know how to give compassion for... a recurring theme has been if a casual friend says something to me that is hurtful, she will consistently take the objective route to the point where she explains what their side may have been. AND she continues to be friends with them... one person in a support group we used to be in one time told me i was immature. and bc my g/f didn't hear it she wouldn't acknowledge publicly that it happened... another person, same group, told me that we couldn't be friends anymore bc he had decided to split his time in % and there wasn't any left for our friendship. i come home angry upset. i tell her. then she comes back at me with questions trying to understand his side... this would have been kind, in my opinion, especially before any 'questions': "wow, i'm so sorry babe. that's f*cked up..". or something with that flavor...

when she is triggered by my need, gentle is not on the menu. she has issues with feeling awful if she thinks she made a mistake... so telling me if she broke something for example is delayed... and that only adds to my suspicious nature... i see a broken something and ask her and it becomes this intense conversation that goes everywhere... she has trauma around feeling blamed... and unappreciated. one of her needs is for me to express more appreciation, which i agree i need to work on... i am a negativity suspicion addict.

u hit it on the head re thinking another is satisfying her in ways i'm not. that tears me up.

what's sad is that when all this came up with this 'friend' we were already in trouble, and my mom was visiting. suffice it to say that that visit alone pushed me over the edge with stress and anxiety. add this 'friendship' and my blood is bubbling. i asked her to please hold off on continuing this friendship 'til we were stronger bc they had started out with flirts and sexual energy. my g/f told me after i asked her about it. so my g/f couldn't show me any kindness around this partly bc i had already asked her to limit her contacts with several 'friends' that she had had a one nighter with. that kind of friendship isn't part of my personal culture so i had a very painful time understanding or trusting it.

so me asking her this time was too much for her. she said 'no' to my request to hold off. at the time i had began to look thru her privacy, emails, etc. i saw an email between them that wasn't out right disloyal... but to me it was. so i jumped at this grand opportunity to 'bust her!' and told her to get out. now, 4 months later i've recently realized that this was a major over-reaction on my part. those two haven't started up any 'affair.'

we definitely and i definitely need to cool things out... and i am in no way looking to start anything intimate any time soon with anyone else... our separation happened for a reason, not just bc of my reaction... it helps me to remember that where we're now at needed to happen one way or another...

it would be so much easier to deal with this if we weren't still in contact... all her stuff is still here 'til she finds a place in unaffordable los angeles...

if she would just tell me that 'it' (whatever that is) is over with that 'friend.' it would make such a difference to not be in this limbo... i just want to hear, yes, i'm interested in her or no way never going to happen w her... right now i feel like it's all up in the air... that's my suspicious hypervigilant mind... danger danger danger! maybe, just maybe, there is no limbo... maybe i don't know how to hear or trust her words... i know when i feel insecure about something i need to be assured over and over 'til it sinks in.

maybe i just can't be at peace. don't know how. still not believing i deserve good lovin'. maybe.

she HAS told me recently that that person isn't important to her... but her actions contradict... they spend time together... she doesn't even want me to meet her anymore because 'she just isn't that important.'

so my mind goes to, sure, u just don't want me to meet her cuz u or her feel more for each other than just friends and it'd be too awkward for one or both of u... anyway, she also called me her soulmate but then added that doesn't mean we'll grow old together...

so all of this is to say, i want to move far away and not deal with her until i'm more at peace with myself and can let myself trust and receive love... i'm the cold-turkey kinda person... this dragging things out, her stuff here, her talk of she loves me but can't call us a couple or girlfriend... if that other woman wasn't in the picture it would feel more clear to me... of course, i know i am most likely making that woman much more important than she really is... i'm trying to get some clarity on it... i asked her if she would let me know occasionally how their friendship is evolving.

this came after i had disclosed that part of what was hard was that a few times after a relationship ended, i've had exes hook up with someone that they had insistently claimed was 'just' their new friend... then she told me that she that happens frequently... i didn't know that... so.... i'll stop here... i was going to continue with my suspicious thoughts again... it's pointless. i'm addicted.

thanks for reading this all the way to here...

oh yeah, and i know i'm re-enacting childhood dynamics. we both are. her and i fit together in the best/worst way possible. we're definitely soulmates in that we trigger ea other so much that we've both been evolving a lot together. my part is definitely not feeling safe, trusting, loved... so that's enough to sabotage something that was good enough. i think i seek the impossible. perfect love. i'm only going to get that from my self and the animals in my life. that truth sux. i think i have a lot of grieving to do. all of this has stirred up so much rage at my father. anger i thought i'd 'gotten over.'