caroline ,my mother pre-meditated her own suicide so as i was the one to find her. i was at my grandmothers (,her mother's) restaurant when my grandmother-----( called caroline at about 1:00 to see how she was feeling and to say that we would be by later about 3:00 to check on her. she then handed me the phone ,and i asked her if she was ok?,and that we would be there later when we closed the restaurant.she said ok,and that she loved me,and i told her i loved her and then bye.you see at that point she could have told my grandmother to not come by her home that day ,that she was going to the doctor or any excuse to keep from me being the one to walk in her bedroom by myself and try and wake her up,i could'nt. ,her feet were ice cold sticking out from under thr covers,every time i touch my feet when they are cold its right there ,the memory lurking,laughing,permanently imprinted in my hippocamus. she could have stopped it. she chose to scar me forever,if she couldnt have her baby son out of her four children ,then she would leave her mark forever. oh it was june 17th ,1964 on a tuesday afternoon the sun was shining.the day summers didnt seem to excite me anymore. to this day i become most alive this very time of year rainy cloudly,cold days is my best time of the year,i can hide like a cloud ,i dont feel as exposed on a rainy day.i have always felt that .thats why i live on the northern california coast,it just rained for 4 days ,over 5 inchs ,as long as its not summer its ok with me.later if i chose ill tell about the phedophille,that moved to our city,and took his way with me when i was 11 yrs. old.that(( guy,school teacher,volunteer fire dep.,boy scout assistant,always( god this),(god that0,buls--t,all his covers for his illness. i reported him to the fbi years later ,hope they found him.
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