Well you are not an idiot female because you did shop around and found it was no better anywhere else. The grass is not always greener and cars are very expensive things to run. Are you worried about the actual money or that your friends tell you that you are spending too much? I am sorry and I know how it feels if it is causing a pinch, but if it is that your friends are causing an issue about it could you present it with an eye roll and say something like "oh that such and such garage, can you believe the cost of things today???" I think if you make light of it they will too. being triggered is horrible, that awful panicky feeling that takes over me when it happens makes me want to have myself put away. I admire you for looking for a way around it.... just goes to show how smart you actually are.

I understand why you are feeling so triggered. I also understand the feeling of being trapped by someone who is holding power over you by holding hostage that which you need for living. Firt I would request every thing in writing. Tell this mechanic that you need all the prices and labor costs down to the last nut. Take this estimate to a few other shops in town or better yet, if you know anyone from your church community who knows something about cars ask if he or she would be willing to do you a favor and look the estimate over. Offer to buy him coffee in exchange for a second oppinion. Do not let the shop that has your car hold it hostage. Demand in writing the estimate and tell them you will be getting a second opinion. Stand your ground and try not to let the shop push you around. Much easier said than done I know.

When cars break down on me, I am ready to sell it! So sorry for this interuption. Good luck

I have done everything right in this. I took the symptoms to several shops, they all said the same thing. I chose the shop that I trusted the most. It just happened that it was also closest to home and had a lot of other advantages. The shop knows my situation, and where I live there are a lot better targets to take advantage, plus, they know from my presentation of symptoms and my initial analysis of what might have been wrong that I am no pushover.

Both of you are right - I don't like having something this important being "held hostage" with no real way out. Yes, it will be a severe pinch getting it out, but if it were just the financial burden I wouldn't have posted. It's just trying to manage the panic attacks and other triggered episodes this has caused is a real struggle right now.

I hate that you are struggling right now, I wish I could take the pain away from you somehow. Hold on to the fact that you did everything right. You are positively a smart, strong and, resourceful woman. Money issues cause everyone stress and life can be hard but that doesn't mean you are in anyway at fault. Be proud of yourself for taking care of the situation while it was a symptom rather than a dead heap of metal in the roadway. You rock!

I understand what you are saying. My ex would always tell me I wasn't smart enough, healthy enough and call me stupid.

You are definitely not the "idiot female", you are smart and strong. Calling places for second opinions takes guts and you have them honey! Stick to your guns and don't let that SOB ex get the better of you!

First off, I can really relate to this. You have my empathy. I have difficulty setting boundaries, especially when I'm triggered.

It's important to remember that you have no control over the actions or opinions of others. The most valuable opinion to you should always your own.
;-) What others think isn't half so important in the grand scheme of things. And other people's opinions are always about themselves anyway. It's based on their life experience and how they see themselves fitting into the world. Opinions are not truths. They're more like confessions. lol

You don't have any control over your emotional response to this either, but you do have a choice about how you behave. (Yeah, the emotional response can change with a lot of therapy, but not fast enough to resolve this.) So, you can ask for what you want, and then let it go. You have control over setting the ball in motion, in influencing its course, but no control over where it stops exactly.

It sounds like you have difficulty setting boundaries with people. (I'm the same way.) People need to be taught how to treat us. That's no easy task, especially when you've been in an abusive relationship where there were no healthy boundaries.

You have my sympathies about trying to set a boundary when you're triggered. I usually dissociate when I'm triggered, so, I can't always engage in abstract conversation. So, what I have done is write out a few comments to deflect any unhelpful or derogatory comments that might get thrown at me, such as, "That's not helpful. What I want is..." Or, "I'm not interested in that. What I want is..." Or, "Perhaps I didn't make myself clear. What I want is..."

Now, if only I could take my own advice. lol This stuff is hard to do!!!

Good luck with the car. It sounds like you're dealing with a con artist. Grrr.

Oh yeah...you're not responsible for the fact that the mechanic is a con artist. We have no control over the actions of others.

You did everything that a responsible person could do. Give yourself a pat on the back...and cut yourself some slack. ;-)

You are not an idiot female or person, not at all. The blame and guilt trips that people put on us. Don't let him do that to you (your ex). I know it's hard cause those old tapes play over in our head, but take a deep breath and let it go. I have to take my car to the shop in the morning, I'm not looking forward to it. The only difference is I trust these guys. They have been taking care of my cars for a while. But bottom line cars are an upkeep and it makes it harder when you don't know how they work, like me. It's a pain in the butt. That's when I wish I had a man around, to take care of the car. Other than that, I'm fine by myself. I wish you well.

For me, I am constantly aware that shops try to target Females, thinking they don't know anything about cars. So, I go in with an attitude that I KNOW what is going on, and in control....if that makes sense.

Even when I went car shopping for ME, and my husband went along...if a salesman didn't acknowledge me, or directed talks to DH, I walked out, and told them why.

Even if we were car-shopping for him, I am more than 50% of the final decision. So, ignore me, and you won't get a sale. Period.

Gosh, if they came back with one estimate, and then another one....I would be highly tempted to just 'GO OFF' right then and there...but that is probably not the best way to deal with this situation. But, that would be my PTSD reaction. Just waiting for some ding bat male to tork me off, so I can lay into him.

Maybe tell him 'Gee that's not what you told me the first time. Why the increase? '..Put the ball in HIS field.

THEN...act like you have a estimate from another shop, maybe name a name, and it is less than that.

TELL HIM to do it for the first estimate, or you'll walk out and he will not get your service.

Stand TALL...You are woman, let's hear you ROAR!

I understand completly.My ex used to play that card on me too.
I have problems in public when I am triggered.People pusing me around, pinning me, getting in my personal space, ect.Also Price haggaling or anything like it, I can't fight them in person and sometimes I fold on the phone.It can be so hard to take control when you feel helpless.I thew a bag of bead at some lady and her friend after they pinned me in a grocery store, they saw me trying to get outof the isle, instaed of letting me go out they pushed my cart back into my stomach then stood in front of and beside me, and with a display right at my back I was pinned.They kept me there for 15 min!And where disscussing with each other loudly about me having an attitude tapping my can on the cart over and over because I couldn't move!As soon as they said something and lughed I threw bread at one a jar of peanut butter at the other, the peanut butter landin in their cart and the bread hit one of them in the head.I can't promote this but my concelor told me to think about doing these things when you are triggered so you laugh instead of caving or crashing.Too bad I acted on it lol.
I still stuggle with it but I wanted to let you know you are not alone,those bad thoughts stick with us more than complimentry thoughts.I don't know why we harbor the bad things people say more than the good, especailly when the good was hardly present.Put a good thought about yourself such as I will never feel dumb or inferior to anyone,I will keep my power over what My self image is and not let it get to me.Or as my grandpa alsways told me, Don't let the basturds get you down.It is harder than it sounds,know we are all here for you to vent or get help.

Just a thought. Say "I am a powerful woman and I have done everything I could." Post it in your house.

I have trust issues and suspect you do too because you do not BELIEVE you are a powerful woman. The issue is getting the feeling that he still has control of you out of your life. These type of men try to exercise control- my ex was worse after the divorce than before it- if you can believe that!

Sorry if its a bit off the track but 'little' put in words something I only felt till now on. I couldn't understand my overreaction to being in this sort of situation, but I think little was right 'trapped by someone holding power over you' and holding you or something you own hostage. Well put dear, and a bad trigger for me too.

You said you trust this shop. You also said that you ask around at other shops and they told you the same thing.
You have done everything possible to get your car repaired at the "going price".
There isn't a man on earth that could have done a better job than you have. You are not an auto mechanic. Neither are most of the men in this world.
If you have questions about why the estimate has increased, ask for a breakdown of the new charges and ask why that wasn't included in the original estimate.
You might also let this shop know that when your car is fixed, you want all the details on what they did and why. Find out what parts or services carry a warranty. Make a copy of the itemized bill and keep the copy in your car for future referrence. File the original at home.
You are not a helpless female!!!!! You did everything right!!!!!
As far as finding someone that will do it cheaper, remember, you are going to get what you pay for. Shops that come in way under another shops estimate are probably not reputable and you will probably get shabby work, which in the long run will end up costing you MUCH more.
Hang in there and don't be intimidated by the mechanics. There are no dumb questions. The dumb part is NOT ASKING THE QUESTIONS!!!!!!!!!!
Good luck, and STAY STRONG!!!!

My DH had said something like shops can not go over 10% of the original estimate price.

I think that is usually printed out on the sheet as well.

Check into that too.

You don't have to be a female to be an idiot about mechanics. Many people are not educated about it. Get 3 estimates and make your choice then.

As for the triggers, it is good that you know what it is that is triggering you. NOw you can conquer it.

I have found one thing to be true. Whenever discussing car issues, people ALWAYS say it shouldn't be that much. Really it shouldn't be. Mechanics get paid ALOT per hour. Plus you pay for the part. If you did it yourself it would only cost the part. SO yes it shouldn't but the mechanic is what kills you. Educate yourself as much as possible. Then make the best choice possible. If people question you just say "Well I can't do it my self so I gotta pay someone to do it for me".