Well, he definitely has to go to counseling for himself before you even worry about counseling for your relationship. He needs his strength back to support you.

I feel for you. It's SO hard to live with it 24/7 as the person who is sick and I see how it hurts that people who care about me. That just makes me feel worse. It's hard, it's definitely hard.

I don't know if this will help in your situation, but it helps me that my hubby lives a full life with a regular routine. I see him with friends (though no beautiful girls, lol) and him going to work, playing with the kids and dogs... and it adds normalcy even when I'm having a bad time. I think if he walked on eggshells around me all the time it would be harder, because it would always remind me WHY he was acting that way. I imagine you two got together because you were attracted to each other's personalities.

Don't change your personality because you know about his abuse. Yeah, every once in a while you may trigger something accidentally, but there's always an opportunity to apologize.
That's what works for us. Hope it helps. Remember, too... It's your life you're spending as well as his, and you deserve happiness as much as he does. Walking on eggshells constantly is not a happy way to spend your time on Earth.

Wishing you both well~
Hugs,
Wistala

I agree with Brilliante, he HAS to get into counseling, and he has to tell him/her about his shift in behaviors. He is exhibiting some of those controlling behaviors that are symptomatic of abusers, and if they don't get put in check, you could find yourself as a full-fledged abuse victim.

If these are behaviors that just came on suddenly, he is likely having some sort of response to triggers, and the only way to sort those out is through therapy. SOmeone who is not trained in the nuances of PTSD is simply not equipped to help him sort all of this out. I fear that he is either reverting to behaviors learned through his past experiences, which could be problematic for you, or else he is having some form of disassociative encounter.

Thank you everyone for your words of kindeness. I absolutely know he needs to go to counseling for himself but he doesn't want to tell his story again. He was with a counselor and she dropped his insurance, with his meds and everything else we couldn't swing the 150 extra a week. Now he doesn't want to do it again. I have been walking on eggshells and I don't know how to stop. I don't want to treat him any differently but I can't help it when he's so angry. He's not always this way just the last 4-6 weeks.Thank you so much everyone for listening.

I too agree with Brillante that he needs to go to individual counseling before he can even begin to work on the relationship. I feel for you. It can be so confusing, frustrating and painful to be in a relationship with someone with PTSD.

One of the most important things to remember is that his behavior is not your fault. It's the result of the abuse he suffered as a child. It's about him; not about you. If you decide to stay in the relationship, the most important thing you can do is take care of yourself -- it's not your job is rescue him (only he can do that) and you need to detach from his behavior so you don't take it personally.

There's an excellent book on being in a relationship with an abuse survivor called "Allies in Healing" by Laura Davis. You can get used copies cheap from amazon.com.
I've also found the 12-Step group Al-Anon helpful in terms of learning solids tools for self-care while being in a relationship with someone who has an addiction, illness or other problems that can take over your life. Most people think of Al-Anon as just for people who are involved with alcoholics. I've found it helpful in dealing with all sorts of difficult people.

You have to do what's best for you in terms of staying or leaving. I've had to leave some men I loved desperately because I knew they weren't good for me. The person we have to love the most is ourselves. How he reacts to your leaving is his responsibility not yours.

I know this is all terribly difficult. But I would hate to see you lose yourself in his illness.

Bless your heart, you are going through it. You are in a difficult situation. Especially if he doesn't want to get help for himself. I don't know how you are sticking in there like you are with no support. That's really difficult. You can't go on walking on egg shells all your life. It's not fair to you. Please take good care of yourself. I don't know what else to say. I'll be thinking about you.

Wow! I definitely think that everyone who's responded to this point has made EXCELLENT points.

You DO have to care for yourself, as well. As Wistala says, it does add normalcy. I find myself much more upset when I see the people I care for negatively affected. Now, when they can provide that normalcy for me, it's like a "break" from being ill.

Now, I don't know how well this will work because I am not him... For me, though, it is OKAY for someone to walk away when I am out of control. I do NOT want to be that way and I will often articulate that I want the person to walk away and I *really* do. What happens is that I go sit and be quiet and find a way to bring myself back down.

Also, he could be releasing on you because it actually feels better after the explosion. It's like those catecholamines (fight-or-flight chemicals) are reduced. But it's NOT a fix and it's NOT okay for you to become a victim. Honestly, do you want to perpetuate what happened to him and/or encourage him to become what he hates most?

So, when he's imbalanced, try giving him space. I met an ex-firefighter who became a cop who ended up with PTSD the other day. We talked about the rage and feeling better after the release. He told me that he had a punching bag he would beat to a pulp for hours. Try getting him something like that, you could maybe get one cheap at Goodwill or another thrift store. You can even try Craig's List (online). Definitely encourage him to run or workout or something that gives him that intense physical release.

Patty is ABSOLUTELY right. I understand how much he does not want to retell his story. I got so annoyed about it I actually wrote up all the details in a timeline and made people read it before I would allow them to treat me. Lol! It's annoying to repeat one's self and it's TERRIBLE to be triggered, but if you find a *real* PTSD expert, then that person can really guide him through those landmines with care. There is a post about EMDR where there was a *really* excellent recommendation on how to identify someone who is actually certified. Also, there is another post about evaluating therapists. Both would be very helpful.

DD is right. You HAVE to take care of yourself. If you get worn out, it will not help anyone, including you. Remember, we can only help others when we are strong.

Hopefully you can stay together, but if you stay and let him bring you down with him, it will be bad for both of you.

Try reading some books by Alice Miller. Woodlandpath recommended her and I am *all* over her books. They might be very helpful for both of you. (Yes, when I find something useful, I will go on and on and on about it so that everyone hears and gets a chance to try it out.) Lol! ;)

I love to read! I've been reading everything I can. I have found though reading from people who also have ptsd has been more helpful than anything else. I'm just worn out today emotionally and physically (lol I also have MS though to see me you'd never know..lol another whole story in itself) I ABSOLUTELY know he needs counseling for himself but I can't force him either. I was happy when he agreed to do this with me in hopes of getting him to go for himself. We go together and separately. Guys aren't really geared to be open and talkative about their feelings in general, but to add this on top of it I don't know how he does it. He told me something really scary when he was mad at me on Monday. I usually just let him yell but I had to stick up for myself because
I know I'm not what is making him angry. After our argument and he was calm we were sitting on the couch together and he said (I'm almost afraid to say this) he said he knew this was going to happen 10 years before it did. I asked him if he could please explain himself. He said 10 years ago (we've been together for 7) that he would do this to the person that loves him the most. I couldn't get from him if he meant that he would be mean to me or what. I get the feeling it's so much more. He also said he knows when he turns 29 he will die. He wouldn't explain this to me either. I don't want to push him, I can see how fragile he is even though he's angry. I only want him to find some kind of happiness for himself. Thanks again for letting me ramble on and on. I can't remember who's post I read this on or who said it but they said "let it in, and let it go" my mantra now for my relationship. Thank you for that line.

When he told me about that he knew 10 years ago this was all going to happen now,he started to cry (which I've only see him do 3 or 4 times) and looked terrified.

I forgot to tell everyone Thank You from the bottom of my heart for being here and for listening. This is the first time in a year that I have somewhere to go and people to talk to about this even though I'm not the one suffering from ptsd. I can feel your kindness and caring and it is greatly appreciated. Thank you for letting me in.

Here's one more resource you might find helpful. There is an excellent online support group for partners of abuse survivors --
http://partners.aest.org.uk -- In addition to a support forum, they have some excellent articles on how to deal with abuse survivors, including do's and dont's and how to listen.

Re your boyfriend's sense that he will die young, one of the symptoms of PTSD is a foreshortened sense of how long we will live. I never expected to live past 40; I often talked about dying young. Well, here I am nifty at 50 without a clue how to be middle aged because I never expected to get here.

Men do tend to be more reluctant to go for help than women do. However, that doesn't let him off the hook. My boyfriend is in therapy; lots of men I know are in therapy. You might stress to him how much strength it takes to go for help. I get sick of therapy too and telling my story over and over again. But my commitment is to healing. Doesn't sound like he has made that commitment yet. Until he does, he's not going to get better.
Blessings, Dancer.

Oh sister, you have a big heart, for sure!

Come right on here and talk anytime. We all learn from each other, and you have as much to teach as you are learning.

If what he said set off warning flags in your head, do listen to those. If that means getting him to explain when he's calmer, then do it. You need to know you're going to be safe, and you DESERVE to know it. You can tell him that, too.
For me, when I'm having flashbacks, I'm so deep in myself that everyone else becomes impersonal to me. If I were a guy prone to rage, it would be easy to hurt someone without thinking of who they are.
When he's in a comfortable place, tell him you need to know more about that, and that you need him to assure you that he won't hurt you. Make it personal like that, so that when he gets into a bad spot, he may remember and know that hurting you is not what he wants to do.

If you're ever concerned for your safety, physical, mental, or emotional, definitely leave the house. Call home before you go back and talk with him over the phone to make sure you feel safe before returning.

Remember always that you are as important a person as he is, and that PTSD is never an excuse for abusing anyone. I hope it doesn't come to that, but I'm saying it right out front.

Maybe he'd like to join this community, too. It's not like talking to a counselor, and it's free, and people here understand. Just a thought.

Hugs,
Wistala

i agree with the others who say he does need to go to counseling by himself and for himself.