Well, this is my first post on here. Hi, I'm Ham. I have PTSD
OK so every part of my life is getting better. I'm an artist and I'm getting show after show. Recognition, I've gotten a high status in a reputable art organization, selling things left and right, on and on. I'm also going to Vegas in December and I have shows lined up until April of next year (so far, I've applied for more). This is all amazing! And I'm so thankful, and it's humbled me more than I could have imagined.
My symptoms are out of control lately. It pisses me off. Makes me feel like I'm ungreatful, but I am. I know I can't help symptoms and I know I do all that I can to take care of myself, but here it is anyway. Last week, I had the first flashback I've had in forever. And it was with hallucinations, at that. I've only had about 4 or 5 of those since I was diagnosed in March 2016. I have flashbacks, but 9/10 times it's without hallucinations. I'm also having insomnia, panic attacks, nightmares, night terrors, panic attacks in my sleep (whatever you call that), night sweats, depression, anxiety, I'm pissed off constantly...
Guess I just need to rant or whatever. I feel guilty. I feel even more guilty because stuff is going so well. I'm going to therapy on Monday and I've got plenty to talk about. I haven't gone in a month because she's been out of the office, and I've been doing so well I just felt like I'd let someone else have the time. So, good I'm seeing her Monday but just feels like I can barely handle 1 more minute of this. Hasn't been like this in a good year.
Hi - My therapist recommended this book. Thoughts?
Today, I live in fear. I'm free from my past physically, but I continue to wait for the other shoe to drop. I'm learning that trauma lingers and I'm also in a state of fight or flight. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to lose everything and everyone. Being with a new partner has been healing, but when I'm not doing well with my trauma, I start to read into things and fear the worst-I fear...