I am not where I want to be in life right now. I sorta knew that for a while, but it just hit full force. Things will get better in the next few months, but they aren't good right now. I'm usually an optimistic person, but I am struggling to see the good right now. I no longer have to wear a brace on my foot all the time now, but I have a lot of physical therapy ahead and I still can't dance. Even doing some of the barre exercises, that are allowed if I wear the brace, I'm afraid to return to dance classes because I'm afraid of hurting my ankle again.
I'm unemployed and financially tight. A part of me doubts that I can get a job and succeed in it because PTSD symptoms keep compromising the amount of work I can accomplish in a week or a day. These darn feelings and doubts, I wish I didn't have them weighing down on me. I hate that this PTSD gets in the way so often, and I feel like I let it. I can't push it to the side, or it gets worse. I can't devote myself to self care all the time or I would never get anything done. I just want to get something done, but my chest feels like it's made of stone right now. All the more so because I feel like I SHOULD be happy, but I'm not.
I have no idea how I am going to pay for grad school next year. I just got accepted into two great grad programs in public health. I should be over the moon about this. I should be dancing for joy, but after a moment's celebration all I can think about is how I am going to be broke for the next 6 years.
So I'm not saying that things are terrible, but things feel terrible. I feel so selfish for saying this too. I feel like I should be thankful for what I have and happy that things will get better. I will be dancing in another month. I will go to the Grad school of my dreams and get a great education, and one day have a prestigious, international career. But I still need to get through today, tomorrow, the next week and the next month. and I need, need to get a job so I can pay for grad school and stop losing money on living expenses.
...And my news app says Trump was just sworn in as the 45th president of the United States. Positive is just not happening today.
How do you get through the blues without sacrificing the work you have to do?
With COVID-19, quarantine and civil unrest how are you doing? I feel like I am living in a scary film that just goes on and on, do you feel this way? I keep working on my coping and relaxation techniques but am ready for this movie to end. Are you working on a project or craft to distract your self? How are you coping? Wishing you safety, calmness and peace.