get out of bed.
TL;DR My day and week sucked and I’m not looking forward to the rest.
So after getting crappy news from the neurologist about my spine and possible need for neck surgery, I am scheduling an MRI. It sounds like I will need next surgery on my cervical spine, possibly sooner rather than later. It also sounds like I might have a completely different neurological problem which may be the cause of my vertigo bc my symptoms are “atypical” of an inner ear problem and should have resolved on their own by now.
The neurologist said she wanted to check a certain part of my brain for tumors or lesions. I don’t remember anything she said after she said the word tumors. So today I tried to schedule the MRI but they didn’t get the referral. I called back the neurologist office and had to leave a message about the referral. They didn’t get back to me by the end of business day so I have to call in the morning.
I substitute taught today for a full day. I have to take two buses to get to the school but the first bus was really late. And since the vertigo was not too bad, I decided to drive. I didn’t want to risk being late. No problems driving there today but I still don’t feel comfortable driving so I’m sticking to the bus after this and just catching an earlier one.
The kids were a pain in the ass but nothing unusual. Last class was the hardest. Students just don’t listen to substitute teachers unless we look like sumo wrestlers. And a 5 foot 2 woman with a cane is not menacing enough for them to listen to me. Even when I pull out my “Catholic school teacher” voice. There was a teacher in an alternate classroom that came in to help at times.
Maneuvering around the classroom and the building was difficult at times with the cane. Most of the students were considerate but a couple almost bumped into me and walked directly in front of me cutting me off even though they could see I was clearly walking with a cane. I did have some moments of dizziness both in class and in between classes.
To make matters worse, I parked on what felt like the other side of the world and walked out the wrong entrance. I had to walk around the entire campus until I found my friggin van. And when I got to my van, I realized that I had left my headlights on all day and my van wouldn’t start. I hadn’t used my jumper box in a while and it appeared to be not charged so I was planning on carrying the jumper box home on the bus, charging it, and then bringing it back to get the van via bus.
But thankfully the teacher that helped me earlier in the day gave me a ride home. She didn’t feel comfortable jumping my van which was fine. I appreciated the ride. But she could tell from my mannerisms and look at my face that I had friggin had it with this day.
After I got home, I realized that the jumper may have actually already been fully charged but I couldn’t tell. It is charged for sure now. So I’m going back to the school in the morning to jump the van and get it. Going via bus with the jumper because I have no one to help me.
The other teacher was nice but I had a very familiar conversation with her about why I substitute teach. People ask and I am honest and explain it’s in large part bc I’m disabled and other work is near impossible.
I always get the same friggin answers. “There’s other things you can do. You have other options. Oh you worked in a mortgage company? Such and such mortgage company is right down the road and they’re a good company to work for. Why don’t you apply there?” These conversations get tiring. I was even told once by a guy I went out with a few times that I “need to be doing more with my life than substitute teaching.” I am really tired of people making judgments about what I do with my life and my career. So that was just one extra annoyance today.
In addition to all of that, two of my so-called friends have refused to text me back after I texted them both twice this week. One text was to simply say hi see how they were bc it had been a while. And then a few days later to invite them for dinner at my place, which we had discussed a couple of months ago but because of my back and everything else, I couldn’t do right away but wanted to invite them now. Last time I spoke to them was very pleasant so I was very surprised that neither one of them texted me back even though I’ve texted them both twice this week. It’s been several days. So those numbers are deleted. People suck.
I feel alone in dealing with all of this. It’s scary when I try to walk without a cane because I don’t know when the vertigo is going to hit. Today seemed a little better but it was still there. I didn’t need as much medication. But it seems to come and go. I’m just so used to doing everything alone and yet I’m so tired of doing it all alone too.
If I’m being really honest here, part of me hopes they’ll find something in my rMRI that will end my life sooner rather than later. I don’t believe in what most people believe in for an afterlife. I don’t know what happens after this. But having grown up with religion, part of me wishes that there is an afterlife and I’ll get to see my grandfather, the only person who truly loved and cared about me in my family. And instead of suffering for several more decades through disability, mental, and physical illness and more surgery, I like to think about seeing him sooner rather than later. I’m not actively suicidal. I’m not even passively suicidal. I’m just tired of life.
Im calling in the morning to schedule the mri ASAP. Also seeing my PT tomorrow for vestibular therapy (therapy for vertigo).
He is changing my treatment plan to focus on my neck and vertigo. He wants to see the MRI when it comes back. I gave him a rundown of everything and I asked if he thought it’s possible that something more neurological was going on because of the vertigo. His facial expressions and answer was noncommittal but he gave the overall impression that he believes there might be something else going on there too but wants to see the mri. Nonetheless we’re starting vestibular therapy tomorrow.
It’s just never ending. I’m still waiting for that full body upgrade.
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