This post is a bit long and I appreciate anybody who makes it to the end.
My trigger is when a guy say to me
"I'm not looking for a relationship."
The first guy I ever dated and had sex with told me he was holding out hope to get back with his ex-girlfriend so we couldn't be in a relationship. But we saw each other for four months until he did get back with his ex-girlfriend.
Another guy slept with me and told me he wasn't looking for relationship and shortly after that, he slept with my best friend and told her he wanted a relationship with her. She and I are still best friends. Because the sex was terrible, we say we don't count him. :-) but it still hurt.
Another mutual friend of ours did the same thing and wanted something with her and ignored me when I thought there might have been a connection. I was wrong.
When I was 25, I held out hope for a year and a half that I would get the elusive girlfriend title. He started out as a friend. It ended with me getting an abortion. I never got the girlfriend title.
There are other times where I've been told that same phrase "I don't want a relationship." These are just a few.
As you can imagine, this really does a number on a person's mind. I felt worthless, less than, not beautiful, just somebody to have sex with while they were waiting for someone better.
Since starting a new life in Texas, I decided I would not repeat old patterns. At the first utterance of that phrase, I would run in the opposite direction.
Then I met a guy last weekend who threw a wrench in that plan. I was at a meetup and we were having fun playing a game of "never have I ever." He was not at the meetup but he was sitting by the bar waiting for his food order. He overheard our game and said, "if I were playing with you guys, I'd be three sheets to the wind by now." I enthusiastically said, "join us!"
After the meetup was over and everyone left, I stayed behind to chat with this guy. The conversation flowed so easily. I can't tell you the last time I had an experience that with a man, if ever.
And then he said the phrase. "I'm not looking for a relationship right now." I felt my body tense up. My legs moved away from him. I decided to be honest but without giving details. I explained that in the past, guys said that to me and they lead me on to think that it would change. And because of some painful life experience, I believed them. I essentially said I'm not gonna repeat past mistakes.
At that point in the night, I expected it to end. But something strange happened. His facial expression was one of empathy. We talked some more and he talked about how he was married for 11 years and in a very unhappy marriage and that he had moved here to start over. Sound familiar? Except for the marriage part, we left very unhappy situations and both moved here to start over.
He invited me to a movie that night. I said yes. We stopped off at his place to drop off his food order that he had been waiting for.
We never made it to the movie. We had incredible sex. And I do mean incredible.
Again I expected it to go nowhere. He asked for my number and I said give me a call if you want to hang out again in the future. But I never expected a call. He said, "well I do want to hang out in the future that's why I asked for your number."
The next day we spoke on the phone for 2 1/2 hours. The day after that for 45 minutes. Yesterday it was another 2 1/2 hours. I can't remember having this kind of connection with someone of the opposite sex ever. Not even with my former boyfriends in the past.
But I don't want to repeat the mistakes of the past so I decided that it was a good time to open up the conversation. Even though we were just getting to know each other, I wanted to make sure we are on the same page. He said he's not looking for relationship. He understands why that sentence is bothersome to me. The idea that I might be used again. He was very sympathetic about it. And he was very open about his own past. He said he's really taking the time now to work on himself and rebuild his life. Sound familiar again?
He said us meeting felt like serendipity. He also said that other things in his life are feeling like serendipity. His reaction to this conversation was not one I've ever experienced in the past. He listened. He understood. He was concerned about how I would feel emotionally as we got to know each other. He also has no intention and no desire of using me. He likes my company, our conversations, the sex, and he wants to keep seeing me. I feel the same way.
Something worth noting is this guy is in a casual polyamorous relationship with another woman that he recently met. I am open to polyamory. I've tried it in the past but it hasn't gone anywhere. But it's something I'm still open to. That's not the problem. The problem is my intense fear of repeating the mistakes of the past.
As we talked, he said that he was concerned that I might fall for him because I'm looking for a relationship.
But I am really looking for relationship?
I had to ask myself that. The answer is yes and no. I don't want a friends with benefits. I want emotional connection. I'd love to have it with multiple people.
I also like my alone time. I don't wanna live with anyone else and I have no desire to get married or have children. That is not going to change. I've already made my decision on that.
By the end of the conversation I asked, "Do you want to see me next weekend?"
He said yes. I said, "Ask me the same question." He said, "Do you want to see me next weekend?" I said yes. He chuckled and said we can go slow, get to know each other and go with the flow.
In my experience, finding one person to meet all your needs is near impossible. Which is why I am open to polyamory. My health, both physical and mental, has caused limitations throughout my life. And that includes having "normal" relationships.
Like I said, I have absolutely no desire to have children or get married or even live with someone. I like my space. It's mine. I worked very hard for it. I'm not sharing with anybody other than my fuzzy dog.
The damage of the past has done a number on me. After talking with him, it's obvious that the damage of his past has done the same. We were both very honest and I could tell he truly cared about my feelings. I've made enough mistakes to know when somebody actually cares and when they don't. This guy does care.
In the end we decided to see each other casually and let each other see other people. This other woman that he is seeing knows about me and I know about her. She's interested in meeting me and I'm also interested in meeting her.
I'm scared to fall in love by mistake and be in a position where I'm not valued again. I also don't want to have an intense relationship that fizzles after only a few months. The relationships I've had were intense in the beginning and then lasted 4 to 6 months and then fizzled out. I don't wanna go through that cycle again. And I don't wanna go through the cycle of feeling like I'm second. I even told him this. And he said, "I don't want you to feel second. I'm not putting you second."
He's really looking forward to seeing me on Friday and we're going to see that movie we didn't get to see last time :-) well, in theory we will see it this time. ;)
I am already going to more meet ups. I am taking Valium which is helping both the anxiety and the musculoskeletal pain.
I'm also at a point where I'm questioning what I've been told my entire life. Grow up, get a job, date, get married, have kids etc. I don't want any of it. Well, other than the dating and the job part. I have the job. I'm just starting to do dating again. But I want to do it in a healthy way.
I'm trying to heal from my past. I don't wanna fall in love with him or anyone. I think getting myself out there and seeing other people is a good way to maintain the rhythm that I've started. I am open to meeting and dating other people. Falling in love sounds terrifying, even though romcoms and my family have told me it's wonderful. And then you look at the examples of my family and I'm like, no thanks.
So can two "damaged" people enjoy each other's company and not one fall for the other and end up getting hurt? How do I make sure that it doesn't happen?
He lives and works in another city an hour from here during the week. He's only here on the weekends. I think that's a benefit. And it works very well for both of us.
I'm able to talk to him about things that I can't with other people like my writing and the business that I wanna start and the trip through West Texas that I wanna take. He even said he would like to go with me. I'm not sure that's gonna happen but I was surprised he said it. I was thinking it was going to be a solo trip but I definitely could use a camera operator for the documentary I want to do when I get out there :-)
Should I limit my time on the phone with him, even though it's incredibly enjoyable and effortless for both of us?
I think the Prozac might finally be wearing off. This always happens after nine months on the highest dose, give or take a month or two. And I'm on the highest dose that I can take. I'm really limited in what they can add because I take tramadol. So I could stop taking tramadol and switch to a more potent narcotic pain medicine or go without anything and then I can take another antidepressant....
I think I have learned helplessness. I heard the term awhile back. Here's the Oxford definition: a condition in which a person suffers from a sense of powerlessness, arising from a traumatic event or persistent failure to succeed. It is thought to be one of the underlying causes of depression.I have an appointment with my therapist this week so I'm going to ask her about this and what can be...