Maybe I mean I feel like screaming. (Been on DS for maybe 12 yrs. Haven't posted in forever.)
My therapist triggered me really badly last week. (Don't criticize her please. I know why she did it.) It was an accident. Not about bringing up the topic, but because the timing was very bad. I've been freaking out ever since. That empty, numb feeling. Surreal almost. I feel lost. I feel like I should be able to just brush this off. I feel like I'm being dramatic and childish and immature and I need to just stop. I'm not obsessing over the thing from last week anymore. I've blocked it off again. The wall has lost some rocks but it still stands.
Today she said my needs exceed her training. I can still see her, but she thinks I should see somebody for some therapy called EMDR.
I feel like a failure. I failed at therapy. I didn't "apply myself." I feel abandoned. Intellectually, I know she hasn't; I know I didn't. The feeling persists.
I want to stop crying right now. I want to go to sleep. I want to want to do something.
I don't want to be alone. I'm so very alone. I feel so scared.
Go away head. Go away scary people. Go away.
I’m so not okay. Mon and Tues were not so bad. But today I am really down. Made it to the pool. Splashed around a bit. Did a few exuberant jumps for my inner child. Joy just happens in the pool. Even on the worst days. Not always. But today. The water is blue and when I’m floating, I don’t feel so heavy.Would like to marry a mermaid and be even. In the ocean. With the fish.