I really am. Why? Well, I just lost my Human Rights Case, and I am already into my next big battle. This one was not even my fight. I stuck up for a guy that called out by name by another volunteer in a very unprofessional way. It was not right of her to do this, so dumb ass me jumped in and got all fired up about this. That lead me to look for other issues, such as the lack of support from the paid staff, the game playing, sleeping and knitting while my phone rang off the wall. Frustrating as all get out. I feel back for the 41 people who never got help that night because of laziness and inproper staffing of volunteers.
Then I read an news article about a elected government person tyring to change the law so they can have ambulances go directly to their location rather than ER. My blood boiled, heck they cannot handle what they do now, so give them more money and more services? NO way. I wrote a facebook rant about it, named everyone and posted it. One of the my social worker friends on facebook printed it and reported me. Now I am suspended and under investigation.
So what did I do, and interview on the topic and passed on all my notes, emails etc to this reporter. Now I get an email from the HR department saying that the CEO ordered the investigation. Seriously, hang the volunteer. I can feel myself getting my back up and the claws coming out. My thought tonight is the bury the bastards. They are intimidating me and I get triggered by that.
I contacted their chat service and got the worst service ever. Then tonight I contacted them again saying i was depressed. They told me to call the supportive listening line, because the people there we students getting their masters in social work, pysch, teacher etc. They were highly educated and trained. LOL. No wonder we are getting so many crisis calls! I asked what they role was and they said to provide resources, no therapy. This means the supportive listening line is the front line, and they are manning it with volunteers. We were told they were the front line, paid professionals who decided upon the services and took the serious calls...NO THEY DON't. Holy crap.
So now I feel stupid, because I blew a good voluteer job and any chance of ever working there or anyplace in London. I might as well stop taking courses for my social services worker, because this industry works together. I screwed myself for a fight that was not even mine. I screwed myself for customers who need help but will never know where I went. I
I have picked a fight with another large corporation that I have no chance of winning. They will still waste tax dollar and provide shit services. So why do I bother even trying to make change for the better. I am so stupid. I am the one who gets hurt. The guy that got called out is still there volunteering. I am not. Did he stick up for me. No.
There has to be something mentally wrong with me that I will distroy myself to help others. Last night I got drunk and took a bunch of clomazopam, like 20, it was a palm full. I did not want to kill myself, I just didn't care. I was just tired and wanted to sleep. Besides I got away with it that other day and woke up. I just wanted the hurt and pain to stop. I just wanted to stop my life as a loser who is always getting beaten down, time and time again.
I read today that it is almost impossible to over dose on clompazepam so I guess I picked the right on to abuse. No danger of dying just one hell of a good sleep.
I have not drank anything today and I feel the pain of my stupidity. It is sinking in just how much damaged I have done. why because I got triggered and my anger got the best of me. stupid stupid stupid. Now there is no undoing it, and I need to push on and fight to improve services for those in need. This will likely mean going public with a lot of private stuff. It will likely mean going to the paper and trying to blow this up into a big thing so it forces change that is needed.
Why cannot i just leave things alone and ignore stuff like the rest of the world does. My back is agaist the wall now, I am under investigation, yet the sleepers, players, and people fucking around not helping people are still there. got to love this world. I have to learn to do fuck all and nothing and than I will be accepted.
there are days I wish I woudl go to sleep and never wake up but oh no, I cannot get that lucky I need digging my own shit hole over and over again. I am so stupid I never learn.
I hate being backed into a corner. Maybe ending it all would be for the best. Really, what is my purpose in life, to be an asshole loser? I have cannot support myself. My husband hates me and we have no sex life. I have very few friends. I blow everything and fight with everyone in the name of doing the right thing. I am in pain physically and mentally. Even the law kicked my ass and dismissed my PTSD Depression and Anxiety.
my life is one big giant shit show. I am fairly sure if I took an overdose my husband would not call for help. It would be to good an opportunity for him to get out of this unhappy marriage with out having to pay for it.
I need to check my will, it has been at least 30 years since I updated it. It needs to be done. I need a burial plot too. I have thought about it for years, but I should get one. Get a few things in place. Not going to kill myself because I do not have enough guts too.
Oh I am a big talker, I can talk tough, stand up for the weak, the underdog but when I get into trouble and called on it, I become weak. Just like now. I don't want to talk about this with HR. I know there is nothing I can say that will change things, I am getting let go. So why the big deal, just fucking fire me. I am fucking volunteer, not even an employee, but this makes sure it gets to HR and therefore I will never be hired there or at any other non-profit.
Good people trying to do the right thing get fucked while people sitting around doing a half ass job and pissing around get good paying jobs and are well respected.
Well, fuck it I am in another losing battle that is only going to cause me more depression and anxiety and triggers. It already has, and who can I blame....me because I am so fucking stupid.
i thought this was a nice story to wake up to.https://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/customer-tips-hair-stylist-after-lockdowns-lift/
You know it's bad when you can't find a movie you haven't seen. I am watching more TV than usual with this quarantine. What are you watching?