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How to detach from incest family

deleted_user
I am just about to start sexual abuse counselling for the first time around the sibling incest I was exposed to as a kid. I also will be dealing with the horrible abuse I experienced at the hands of family when I disclosed the incest. Things have calmed down with the family, but they still refuse to admit the incest happened. It's a huge trigger for me.
My PTSD is totally crippling right now and it gets triggered everytime I have to deal with them. I need to create safety to do my counselling work and that means distancing myself from them. I probably won't be able to be around them at Christmas. I'm really afraid of reprisals for setting this boundary.
How can I set the boundary of taking a break from them, without causing WWIII? I do not want to alienate them. Any ideas or experiences?
My PTSD is totally crippling right now and it gets triggered everytime I have to deal with them. I need to create safety to do my counselling work and that means distancing myself from them. I probably won't be able to be around them at Christmas. I'm really afraid of reprisals for setting this boundary.
How can I set the boundary of taking a break from them, without causing WWIII? I do not want to alienate them. Any ideas or experiences?
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If you have a role as a family scapegoat any empowerment of yourself will be seen as a rebellion that must be crushed. My calm and polite attempts to distance myself got the whole clan in a ferment so I would suggest telling lies as a better solution.
I would suggest illness as an excuse, one of the anti-social ones that is catching and involves up-chucking and the squits, if you want to avoid reprisals. Say yes to everything then develop this at the last minute.
That is my idea to try.
I did not do this and the whole lot turned on me, including cousins, siblings' BF, the lot,and I then had to change numbers, ignore hate-mail and move to avoid WWIII. I have a feeling that any attempt at self-determination will alienate them so suggest socially acceptable lies!
This is the best I can think of having tried to distance myself in a civilized way from my family for five years before I broke off contact.
It is a difficult situation but a matter of you putting yourself and your needs first.
Stand tall and good luck.
you are the first one to be taken care of, and you are number one in your own life. that is the turth, and you need to accept it.
seting boundries is very hard, but not impossible.
i'm praying for you and i hope it will get better.
For now, I'm going to make my excuses everytime they want to get together. I won't talk to them unless I'm feeling grounded, and those conversations, if and when they happen, will be short.
My sister is a big trigger for me so I limit my time around her. I stick with my other family members and keep my visit short.
My daughter is going through the same thing right now. I only know about what is going on with her through my sister, who is the only one she talks to right now. I have been advised that her fragile state cannot allow for any "forcing" of family on her, so we all need to wait for her to come to us when she is ready.
Talk to your counselor about this. Perhaps he/she will have a good way to address this based on your specific family dynamic.
My family also "gets" depression, so I can say I am just too depressed to get out.
If you live close by and don't want to move away, it's the one thing I can think of. I've used both these excuses twice, myself so far.
How close do you live to them? I had to distance myself from my family for several years but I lived quite far away, which helped. But no matter how close or far you live from them, your greatest loyalities need to be to yourself and your healing.
Staying connected to a toxic family while we are trying to heal can sabatoge our healing big time.
I know I probably sound like a crazy person. My mom has said to me on a number of occasions, "Well, when we all believe one thing, doesn't it make sense that it's the truth?"
They see me as the crazy person while they are all sane and functional. They treat me like a crazy person and remind me of things that I have done and said when I've been in trauma. (I do take responsibility for these things, btw, and they use that as an admission of guilt for everything the family has ever experienced.
Meanwhile, they "forget" that my dad and second eldest brother were abusive alcoholics/addicts. They forget that my sister has been repeatedly raped while out of her mind drunk and constantly suffers from some sickness which prevents her from being with the family. They forget that my mom suffers from chronic depression. They forget that my eldest brother was abusive and locked his schizophrenic wife up in the country and wouldn't anyone talk to her. They forget about the history of suicide in the family. I could go on and on. But....nothing is wrong with them...only me. Gah. What hypocrites!
The sad thing is that when they are trying to control my thoughts with their tirades, these truths slip out of my mind. I forget that they exist. Why does that happen? When I'm in recovery and i know these things and have worked on them in counselling, how can I just forget them and buy into the family lie again? It's baffling.
Anyhow, that's why I know i need to distance myself from them until I'm stronger.
I would say, as others have said, that you're sick. Is it a long distance? Maybe you couldn't get a plane ticket? Maybe just go for dessert?