I tried to set proper boundaries between my family and myself but it unleashed a frenzy of bullying from them so, in my experience, honesty does not work.
If you have a role as a family scapegoat any empowerment of yourself will be seen as a rebellion that must be crushed. My calm and polite attempts to distance myself got the whole clan in a ferment so I would suggest telling lies as a better solution.
I would suggest illness as an excuse, one of the anti-social ones that is catching and involves up-chucking and the squits, if you want to avoid reprisals. Say yes to everything then develop this at the last minute.
That is my idea to try.
I did not do this and the whole lot turned on me, including cousins, siblings' BF, the lot,and I then had to change numbers, ignore hate-mail and move to avoid WWIII. I have a feeling that any attempt at self-determination will alienate them so suggest socially acceptable lies!
This is the best I can think of having tried to distance myself in a civilized way from my family for five years before I broke off contact.

My sibs still hold a distorted loyalty, concerning my parents. The reason I know this is because they still keep the "family secret" re: my sexual abuse. It's easier for them than having to deal with it openly.
It is a difficult situation but a matter of you putting yourself and your needs first.
Stand tall and good luck.

my biological mother still doesn't want to hear about anything my dad was doing to me. so i moved far far away. i use the excuse that i don't have time, and that i'm busy.
you are the first one to be taken care of, and you are number one in your own life. that is the turth, and you need to accept it.
seting boundries is very hard, but not impossible.
i'm praying for you and i hope it will get better.

I feel that not setting boundaries with them has helped keep me sick. The betrayal eats me alive. I need to get away from them, and not to avoid but rather to protect myself when I'm so vulnerable. Maybe when I'm stronger, I'll confront them all, but right now I don't think I can. I've written many letters that I haven't been able to send. Maybe one day, I will.

For now, I'm going to make my excuses everytime they want to get together. I won't talk to them unless I'm feeling grounded, and those conversations, if and when they happen, will be short.

Try reading a book called Damaged Emotions. It helpped me to set boundaries.

My sister is a big trigger for me so I limit my time around her. I stick with my other family members and keep my visit short.

I came to the conclusion the clan or cult type of mentality that my family has was never going to allow me to get well. The honesty I need to have to heal broke all the rules. Some families are toxic. Luckily this frees us from the usual standards of dealing with people.

This is just one holiday in a lifetime of holidays. If they have trouble with your total open honesty about your past, then tell them just that you either have made other plans, or that you are dealing with "life issues" and cannot cope with the huge family crush that happens with the holidays, so at the advice of your counselor, you need to stay put for a quiet holiday with a couple of friends.

My daughter is going through the same thing right now. I only know about what is going on with her through my sister, who is the only one she talks to right now. I have been advised that her fragile state cannot allow for any "forcing" of family on her, so we all need to wait for her to come to us when she is ready.

Talk to your counselor about this. Perhaps he/she will have a good way to address this based on your specific family dynamic.

Before I read Hannah's response, I was going to say the same thing - say that you have a very contagious and unpleasant disease.

My family also "gets" depression, so I can say I am just too depressed to get out.

If you live close by and don't want to move away, it's the one thing I can think of. I've used both these excuses twice, myself so far.

From reading your post, it sounds like you need to cut all ties with your family, at least for now. They're going to keep guilt tripping, scapegoating, sucking you back in again and again if you don't.

How close do you live to them? I had to distance myself from my family for several years but I lived quite far away, which helped. But no matter how close or far you live from them, your greatest loyalities need to be to yourself and your healing.

Staying connected to a toxic family while we are trying to heal can sabatoge our healing big time.

They have been sabotaging my recovery. I've been seeing a lot of them and they reinforce these negative messages en masse. It makes me question my own reality sometimes. It is a crazy making place. When I give myself distance, I see their "double speak" for what it is. I honestly feel they are trying to brainwash me.

I know I probably sound like a crazy person. My mom has said to me on a number of occasions, "Well, when we all believe one thing, doesn't it make sense that it's the truth?"

They see me as the crazy person while they are all sane and functional. They treat me like a crazy person and remind me of things that I have done and said when I've been in trauma. (I do take responsibility for these things, btw, and they use that as an admission of guilt for everything the family has ever experienced.

Meanwhile, they "forget" that my dad and second eldest brother were abusive alcoholics/addicts. They forget that my sister has been repeatedly raped while out of her mind drunk and constantly suffers from some sickness which prevents her from being with the family. They forget that my mom suffers from chronic depression. They forget that my eldest brother was abusive and locked his schizophrenic wife up in the country and wouldn't anyone talk to her. They forget about the history of suicide in the family. I could go on and on. But....nothing is wrong with them...only me. Gah. What hypocrites!

The sad thing is that when they are trying to control my thoughts with their tirades, these truths slip out of my mind. I forget that they exist. Why does that happen? When I'm in recovery and i know these things and have worked on them in counselling, how can I just forget them and buy into the family lie again? It's baffling.

Anyhow, that's why I know i need to distance myself from them until I'm stronger.

Yes. I think if they sabotage your healing you must keep away from them. Lie if you must, you come first.

I say cut off from them for a while, until you are well or well enough to see through it all.

I can relate to so much of what you are saying and you've been able to put into words things I only felt. Thank you. I moved 3000km to be away from my family and their damage and its probably the best things I ever did. Yes I'm still lonely and occasionally I'll idealise family life or believe things have changed and go and see them but it doesn't take long for it to start again. You must play the role they've assigned you in their eyes. I feel for their pain too but I am not going to be the punching bag for them, its time to look at themselves instead of blaming other people, often fantasising or making up things I've done to illustrate how horrible I'm supposed to be. Things that never happened and no, I do not believe I'm delusional, just caught up in a family role. As the youngest and smallest I was always fair game and they have helped infect my children's beliefs about me too. They will never change or validate your feelings while they don't work on themselves. Take a break and good luck and hugs to you.

Ok, my family still doesn't know, but I am imagining if they did. First, I have to say this. You deserve to get better. You did nothing wrong, yet you are the one who has to suffer. If your family cannot help and support you in your recovery, then they have chosen to distance themselves, it is them that has rejected you, not the other way around. You should not feel guilty for needing to get better, and you should welcome people in your life who understand that. And if they don't, well, you don't need them. This may be difficult with family, but perhaps you just need to "get rid of them" while you heal.

I would say, as others have said, that you're sick. Is it a long distance? Maybe you couldn't get a plane ticket? Maybe just go for dessert?

That is a hard one. I only have my sister, niece and nephew left. I lost everyone else because I confronted the abusers with letters. They all say I'm "crazy" or "mental". I don't know if they believe me or not. I sent the letters in my early 30's. I've had alot of time to get used to not really have family but around the holidays I do get lonely. But not lonely enough to go around any of them. I broke it down to safety. I don't feel safe, so I don't go around them. I was even estranged from my sister for 3 years. That was the hardest, but we were able to mend our ways and differences. But it still can be hard at times cause I don't know if she believes me or not. I'm sorry I rambled so much, you make the decision that is best for you. Safety always comes first.