I am having a lot of intrusive memories about a date-rape that happened almost 20 years ago...that's such a long time! I repressed it for a couple of years, and I am aware that I am still healing from it...I went for a long time not dealing with it. Right after my date/rape, I remember that I was crying hysterically...laying in the bed that I don't remember getting into...I think I disassociated...anyways, he went into the shower. When he got out, I remember him saying that he "felt dirty"!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's why he took a shower. Then he went into the living room, while I just layed there. I remember thinking...He Felt Dirty????!!!!!! I felt FILTHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I left, and somehow between that night and the next morning I pushed the whole thing out of my mind, and called him...like everything was normal. He said he was surprised to hear from me...I said why? He answered, "Because of what happened last night." To which I replied, "What happened?" HELLO?????????? I think he knew what he did!!! Is that possible? That he really knew he raped me? He never really answered me about what happened...I continued to date him, but after not being able to breathe around him - which I now know I was experiencing panic attacks - I finally stopped seeing him. He was also the first guy I had ever had consensual sex with...the first time...the second time he raped me...I have never to this day been able to enjoy sex fully. I think I'm scared...and I can never relax enough. This is going to sound horrible, but the only time I was able to enjoy sex was when I was high on pot! I am now in a current relationship in which I just can't even go there...anywhere sexually with him. It's like I have lost all desire for sex...even though I want it back. I guess I've put a lot out there in this post...more than I originally intended. If you're still reading, thanks...I appreciate it. Has any of this happened to any one of you? Particularly the part where I think he knew what he did, and that part of not being able to enjoy sex. And, why do I have to be high to enjoy it? I'd really like to be able to make love just naturally. Any answers/advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks very much.
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